#so I distance myself enough that I still get enough interaction that leaves me longing for more but enough I don't make them hate me

[godmademewithoutarms]

Me when I crave human connection like the body craves water but feel as though my existence is a bother to others so I deny myself that desire

[bunnliix]

When Eight Becomes Nine - Chapter Twelve

I managed to get through another chapter of this fic hehe. This is just a cute lil chapter because we all need the fluff in our lives, especially myself. <3

Pairing: Ateez x 9th member!reader  Summary: Y/n has her realization about what's happening now, and has a talk with Jongho about his actions. wc: 2.8k AU: a/b/o  Genre: Fluff/Angst  warnings: playflighting, yelling, referencing last chapter's events without much detail, jokes about being hurt, mentions of discrimation and hate against omegas, self-doubt, crying, I think that's it? masterlist

Wooyoung’s laugh broke the silence that followed y/n’s realization. He couldn’t believe that it took y/n this long to realize what they had said back in the conference room. His laughter provoked the others into joining, to which they got yelled at by the subject of their laughter.

“HEY! Don’t laugh at me, there’s been a lot going on, okay? You try being in my shoes today and having this all happen to you and see how you react, huh?” She argued, only to make them laugh even further.

You- You really didn’t realize until now?” Wooyoung questioned her, his words being interrupted by his laughter.

“Obviously not, idiot.” She fired back at the idol, who jokingly reached over to try and grab her.

Seonghwa gripped the back of Wooyoung’s top, stopping the younger idol from reaching her. “No fighting. We just left a fight, we’re not starting another one.”

The restrained idol pouted and whined at Seonghwa. “It’s not like it’s a real fight, I was just gonna play around a bit.”

“And I think we’ve had enough excitement for the day, Youngie.” Seonghwa reasoned, and the other man continued to pout, and instead turned to tackle the pack omega, starting a little omega fight while they others watched.

Eventually the other younger members joined in, while Yunho and Hongjoong had moved a bit farther away to discuss something, leaving Jongho and y/n the only two left to their own devices. Y/n decided that this was a great time to get to know the fellow ‘00 liner better. They really hadn’t talked much since she arrived here, as she had been pulled this way and that by the other members. She scooted a bit closer to the maknae, leaving a bit of distance still, so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.

Jongho turned to look at her, “Hi,” he greeted her, “I hope this day hasn’t been too much on you.”

“It could have been worse, y’know. I could have gotten hurt, but I didn’t,” y/n tried to joke, but it fell flat when Jongho didn’t find her words funny.

“You found out that the one person you trusted in that group, was out to hurt you. I think that counts as getting hurt.” Jongho stated, looking decidedly unamused at her attempts to joke. “You know it’s okay to feel hurt about it, and to mourn the loss of a friendship, right?”

“I know. I’m still processing it now, and I’ll come to terms with it.” The omega explained, looking down at her lap.

“Good. Otherwise, it was a bit of a waste to tackle him.” Jongho commented.

That made her think for a minute. Why exactly did Jongho decide to tackle Aaron? All he would have had to do was get the attention of the others, not tackle the man. She fell silent for a moment, and the silence worried the singer next to her.

“Why did you tackle him?” She asked him, breaking the silence.

“What?” Jongho said, not expecting the question.

“Why did you tackle Aaron? How did you even hear what he said over the yelling? We’ve barely interacted, why would you potentially get yourself hurt, over someone like him?” She queried, curious as to how he would answer.

Jongho didn’t think, answering right away. “He was being an absolute asshole, and I had to protect you from that, from him. I’ve seen how other subgenders’ treat omegas, and I’ve seen firsthand the effects of it. Seonghwa and Wooyoung-hyung have dealt with more than their fair share of discrimination and hate, simply for being omegas. I may not know you that well yet, but it seems that the rest of my pack is set on you, and so I think it’s time we get to know each other better. It may be an interesting way to start off a friendship, but I wouldn’t change my actions. His words and actions were despicable. And they’re not acceptable in today’s society, let alone in Ateez.”

Y/n’s eyes started to water as she listened to the maknae’s words, not expecting this answer. She didn’t realize that while getting lost in the idol’s words that her scent was getting stronger, the scent of fresh flowers fading into something much more subtle. One that could almost be described as wilting flowers, if they had a scent.

“What do you all see in me? I’m just me. I’m someone that none of you wanted in your group, and I’ve barely interacted with most of you besides Wooyoung and maybe Seonghwa and Hongjoong.” She asked him, unknowingly garnering the attention of the others, having heard their names.

“I see someone who doesn’t give up when they struggle. Someone who enjoys dancing and performing, just like we do.” Yunho chimed in, making y/n realize she had caught the attention of the others.

“Yunho’s right. You’re talented y/n. I may not have heard you sing yet, but on performance alone, you strive to get better and perform to the best of your ability. Sure, you need to work on stamina and a few other things, but Yunho and I have seen how determined you are. Y’know, Yunho commented that he sees me in you, in how you look after finishing a run through.” San further cemented his fellow dancer’s words.

She looked up at the two of them, who both smiled kindly back down at her, which made her tear up further. To hear those words from idols she’s admired and watched for so long, it made her efforts feel worth it. She felt like she could die happy in that moment, and she was so grateful to be here and have these experiences with the men surrounding her.

“You have such a kind heart, y/n. Your personality is what I see in you. Sure, talent and the ability to be an idol is important, but it’s also important to be sure of who you are, and to be kind. Fans can sense when we’re not being truthful, and I know that you have been nothing but honest around us and the others. So I think you’d fit in well as a member of Ateez.” Seonghwa stated, smiling softly down at her, before he moved to sit in front of her.

“Everyone is right, you know,” Hongjoong said, moving to sit behind Seonghwa, as he looked at her, “You’re an amazing person, and you’re a great singer. I trust our dancers to know where you’re at dancing skill wise, and based on what I just heard, that’s basically glowing praise from those two. You have been nothing but graceful and kind, and I find myself drawn to you, and I know Seonghwa and Wooyoung would be very unhappy if I let you go. So, will you trust our judgement and become the ninth member of Ateez?”

Y/n looked up at him, so many emotions clearly showing on her face. A tear trailed down her face as she processed all of their answers, and she could see her vision blur as tears welled up in her eyes. San came to sit next to her, wrapping an arm around the omega’s shoulders but loose enough if she wanted to pull away if it was too much for her. The comfort was welcomed as the younger omega leaned into the beta’s side, looking around at the seven members who had moved to sit in front and to the side of her, gentle smiles from each of them directed at her.

“You all really want me to be a member of Ateez?” She asked, her voice soft with an undertone of disbelief.

“Of course.” Seonghwa reassured her.

Y/n looked at Hongjoong, and nodded, “Then yes, I’ll trust your judgement and become your ninth member.” She said simply.

The room burst into a cacophony of noise at her words, and San pulls her closer in a side hug before Wooyoung swoops in on her other side, pushing Jongho away so he could sit right next to her. “Baby omega~,” Wooyoung crooned, “You’re really gonna be one of us!” He shouted, almost directly into her ear as she cringed away from him and into San, who scolded his fellow ‘99 liner for how loud he was being.

Someone reached out and grabbed her hands, and when she looked to see who it was, she found two people instead. Mingi and Yunho had both grabbed one of her hands, and she found herself smiling at them, and lightly squeezing their hands in silent thanks for everything they had done. Yunho had been a great help while perfecting their choreography, and while in the moment she had protested it, she was very thankful for Mingi’s help the previous day.

“Thank you both, so much.” She said, her voice so soft that the two had to strain their ears to hear her.

“You never need to thank us. We’ll always be by your side, and if you get better, then Ateez gets better, hmm?” Mingi told her, chuckling at the end, as Yunho nodded in agreement to his best friend and packmate’s words.

Y/n pulled out of Woosan’s hold to launch herself at the taller men, who caught her and hugged her as she struggled to hug them both at the same time. As the three hugged, she realized that holy fuck she would be spending however long Ateez existed with these men, and how that didn’t feel real, but she knew it had to be because she could feel the two bodies surrounding her. She felt so happy and the others smiled as her scent changed to reflect her feelings as Yeosang moved in to ruffle her hair as she let out a whine at the alpha messing up her hair. 

“Don’t do that!” She whined as she pulled a hand away from hugging the duo in front of her to rearrange her hair back to how it was before.

She heard her name called and she looked to find that it was Jongho who had called out to her. When he saw that she was looking at him, he nodded his head and smiled, before pointing to something to the other side of her. She smiled back at him before looking to find Seonghwa and Hongjoong watching all of them with big smiles on their faces and looks of fondness for the six men surrounding her. She moved out of Yunho and Mingi’s hold and got up, heading over to the two eldest and leaders of the Ateez pack.

“Why are you two over here by yourselves?” She asked them.

“Does there have to be a reason?” Seonghwa asked her in return.

“Of course there does.” She fired back.

“Can’t we just observe our members having fun and enjoying themselves?” Hongjoong interrupted.

“No, because you two need to join in too.” She said, getting a bit fired up at the two not joining in on the happy moment.

“Someone is a bit insistent, aren’t you?” Seonghwa said, chuckling.

Y/n gave up on trying to convince them to join the other six, grabbing the pair’s hands and tugging the two behind her as they let themselves be pulled along, not minding in the least. She made the two sit down before she would sit down, eventually being pulled down herself to sit in between the two. 

“So now we can have trios!” Wooyoung broke the silence, making the others laugh.

“Yes Wooyoung-ah, we can have trios. Not that we wouldn’t have had them already, in the upcoming album.” Hongjoong pointed out to the younger man, who pouted at being reminded of that fact.

“Trios?” The newest member questioned, looking at the captain.

“Wooyoung, San and Yeosang are doing a trio for their unit song in the upcoming album, which we need to get you on, but that’s a discussion for tomorrow. Today we’ll just celebrate you becoming our newest member.” Hongjoong explained.

“Yes! We’re celebrating you today! Our newest member and my baby omega!” Wooyoung shouted, getting slapped on both shoulders by San and Jongho, who had gotten the lion’s share of his shouting. This made the omega pout, and then was promptly tackled by San. The others laughed at their shenanigans, and it made y/n feel right at home here with them as she laughed along with them.

“Are you ready to deal with this craziness every day?” She heard, looking to find that Hongjoong was the source of the question. Before she could answer, Seonghwa moved away from the duo to police the roughhousing that had started.

“Probably not, but I don’t think I have a choice now, do I?” She replied, to which he shook his head.

“No, you don’t,” He said, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “Thank you for giving me a second chance after what I did that first day.”

“Of course, Hongjoong-oppa. You meant your apology, so I had no reason not to give you another chance. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now. And I should be thanking you for giving me a chance, for taking me in as part of your group.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. Your actions last night helped cement that you fit in with us, in a way that makes me think that you were meant for Ateez.” Hongjoong said, looking down at her with more emotions in his eyes than y/n could discern. She could see that adoration that he usually reserved for his members, and it was hard for her to reconcile the idea that he’d look at her this way too, because she was one of his members now. But she knew she’d come to terms with all of this, though it might take a while.

Hongjoong saw the wonder in her eyes and disbelief, which he understood, and he wouldn’t fault her for feeling that way, when he’s felt the same way before. He reached out to wrap an arm around her shoulders, like San had done not long before, as he felt her do the same, albeit her arm was around his waist instead. Checking to see that no one was looking, he leaned his head on hers, and out of instinct with his two omegas, kissed the top of her head without thinking about it, leaving y/n to be surprised and feel her cheeks heating up at his actions.

“You two are getting cozy together again,” Seonghwa commented, his voice soft, as he sat back down next to the two.

Hongjoong pulled away from her, glaring halfheartedly at his pack omega. The omega only chuckled in response, not deeming there to be a need to respond verbally. The arm that was around her shoulders reached over to lightly shove the omega sitting next to her, making her giggle.

“So, sweetheart, what do you want to do today? It’s your decision.” Seonghwa asked, turning himself to look at her.

She hummed, not exactly sure what she wanted to do, plus the fact that she hadn’t exactly gotten a chance to go out and explore Seoul, so she didn’t know what there was to do, besides the obvious things.

“I don’t know?” She replied to the older man, “I haven’t gotten a chance to explore Seoul, as I think you might be aware of? So I don’t really know what there is to do around here?” She answered, her voice uncertain.

“We can always pick a few of our favorite things to show you? Would that be something you’d be interested in doing?” Yunho butted into the conversation, making the three look over to find that he had abandoned the other’s play fighting.

“That would be good. It makes it a little easier on me, than trying to figure out what there is to do, and I can get to know each of you a bit better that way too.” She said, nodding and smiling at the third-eldest.

“Then we’ll do that.” Hongjoong decided as he pulled away from y/n, who let out an almost inaudible whine in response to the alpha leaving her side, before being embarrassed at her reaction.

While Hongjoong went to corral the others, Seonghwa and Yunho discussed their favorite places and activities with y/n, providing her some options on what to do today. It was a little overwhelming, but she knew that they wouldn’t push her into doing too many things.

Once everyone was corralled over to where y/n and the others were sitting, they immediately launched into a discussion. Some were more enthusiastic than others, but in the end, they had created a list that featured almost one place or activity from every member. They had decided to start with whatever was farthest from KQ and work their way back to the company. This was also all done without the permission of their managers or the company, but they could care less about that.

Prev | Next Taglist: @bethelighthalazia @scarfac3 @smally97 @potatomountain @iyeeeverydee 

@lxsunshine @ismelllikechlorine247 @fr34k4c1dr41n @ateez-atiny380 @sapphirewaves

@davinashifts333 @cookiesandcreammy @not-straight-kait @hoeforalbedo @calisnewworld

@smilefordongil @fantasy2wonderland @forever-atiny @khjcoo 

@hhoneylix @ayoo-bangtan @11glitch11 @lynnsqueendom @fireseo 

@cara-rey @therealcuppicake @lyracarvahall @anxiousskylar @dinossaurz 

@madilinetheb3st @h3arteyes4mingi @sweetmoonlight9 @strayteezsimp @yukichan67 

@insanityxofxfanfiction @genderfluidthatwannabealone @mallielovssyou @queen-thiccness @xiosmemoryoflife 

@silverstarburst @dimeb29 @quailbagutte @londonbridges01 @ravensfeatheruniverse 

@haven-cove @seventeenthingsblr @vic0921 @bakedpotatoman @peachyy-jooniee 

@uhhheather @yoonjikim @vampiregirl215 @kawaiikels @lovelyglares

@kaleigh-2002 @arabelleum @kibs-and-bits @0325tiny @miracle-sol 

@discombobulatedrat @witchbxtch0701 @bee-the-loser @hwallazia @dawn-iscozy 

@ldysmfrst @ahhhhhhhhhghh @neivivenaj @comicnerd557

Taglist is: open!

if your name is in pink, I was unable to tag you!

[moodymisty]

I mean you got anything sweet for Blood Angels...

Though my brain keeps jumping to Flesh Tearers but I feel like that's just me trying to get myself to write for Flesh Tearers (and Lamenters)

(Rambling idea below)

I mean lets be honest Blood Angels are ultimate predators for humans... being so handsome I mean Sanguinius was often called ethereal and other worldly with his beauty. So of course his sons are handsome and all so well bred for the arts... easy to lure in many humans to just listen to their prose or see their paintings.

Just don't show up during your period because suddenly a lot of the poetry is about blood or blood adjacent... they can't seem to find the right red paint... and why do so many of them look at you like they are dying of thirst?

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 | 𝕬𝖔3 ]

Author’s note: Do I have something for Blood Angels- BOY DO I! Enjoy! I didn't exactly do your idea but I've had this plot in my head for weeks and wanted to use it and you're ask was the only one that let me /sob Not my best work by far, but I hope you enjoy.

Relationships: Unnamed Blood Angel/Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Oral, Period blood kink/menstrual kink that type of stuff, Is this too weird? maybe I dunno you guys all seem like freaks so hopefully this will go over well? If not I can just return to my dungeon

"Why are we going this way?"

This is a long way around, though some of the Red Tear's maintenance areas. He doesn't answer you however, and with disgruntlement you let the question lie as you return to more civilized parts of the Red Tear.

This whole interaction has been odd, since he had picked you up to escort you back from your duties. Normally he doesn’t act like this; He's stoic and lacks a good bit of emotion yes, but you almost feel as if now he’s taking you to your execution.

"I thought you were missing,"

You had jokingly said, walking closer to him. This planet had been pleasant enough after the Blood Angels brought it under the Imperium, but you're quite eager to return to Terra. Or at least the Red Tear.

He ignored your little comment and stepped closer, but you noticed his face change when he got close enough to touch you. His body became more rigid, and you furrowed your brow as you looked up at him.

"Are you ok?" You say as he clears his throat and nods stiffly. "Yes. We should return to the Red Tear. Our work here is done."

You look up at him again try and get any sort of hint as to how he's feeling, but he only has that same, stiff expression; Though slightly more irritated than usual.

You round yet another corner to see a group of freshly armored Blood Angels leaving one of the armoring rooms. They all perk up at the sight of you, staring at you like something fierce. You get more than a bit uncomfortable under their gaze, until your supposed guardian grabs your arm and swiftly pulls you down the hall past them. He glares at them to keep their distance, and you grab at his gauntlet to try and relieve some of the pressure. You're arm is in pain from how tight he's pulling you along, until you stop in front of a room he opens.

It's not your own, so you presume it's his. He shoves you inside.

"Stay here."

As a diplomat you technically reside outside the command structure of the Blood Angels, but no one in their right mind would disobey an astartes. Especially one that is looking at you with such fire in his eyes. He turns to leave, but your sudden question makes him turn towards you again.

"What is all this? Why are you-" He grabs you tight at the shoulder, and you gasp in pain as the force of it pins you to the wall.

"Why do you smell like blood?"

You pull at his hand and grimace in pain, and at his oddly specific question.

"What? It's just normal, It's that time of the-" He lightly shakes your shoulder and despite speaking relatively quiet, his voice still hits you in the chest with out seething it sounds.

"Every one of my brothers on this ship can smell you. You're lucky I got to you before one of them did."

Even if they did, why does he speak of it like something would happen? Like he avoided it for a reason? He's talking as if you would be in danger if they found you, for something seemingly so simple.

“What would happen if they did?”

You quietly question, watching the expression on his face instantly change. He looks conflicted, like he’s nearly lost in thought. For awhile you think you may not even get an answer from him, until you finally see his lips shift.

“I, assume you’ve heard mutterings of a curse in your time here.”

You have vaguely- even he had cursed it once. At the time you'd assumed it some sort of unfamiliar swear or perhaps just an odd phase adopted by Blood Angels, and so you'd paid it little mind other than the initial confusion. When you hesitantly nod, he continues.

“The curse is real. It has changed our legion. And,” You figure he’s about to speak a secret he shouldn’t to someone like you, so you stay quiet.

“It makes the smell of blood, tempting.” He continues. “It sates a hunger only we Blood Angels possess, and keeps us from going raving mad.”

He quiets, and you feels his gauntlets shift on your shoulders. He changes the subject to something adjacent; You assume he probably feels guilt for confessing a chapter secret to you.

“You’re not hurt?” He says confusedly. You aren’t particularly surprised he knows little about such things, though explaining it to him in this state would take far too long and be far too unfruitful.

“No. I'm fine.” He hums. You think you hear him mumble about hearing such a thing from somewhere, a woman's illness, and the comment would make you laugh if he wasn't looming down on you so intensely.

“Very well.” He shifts his jaw a bit, the scars along it shifting. He seems to have run out of things to say, though it also seems like he can't pull himself away from you. His throat and jaw are tightly wound, like he's holding something back.

“You want some… Don’t you?”

He seems surprised oddly enough; Perhaps by your bluntness and stupidity. Many legions would not take kindly to you assuming things about them, but Blood Angels are remarkably kinder. He is remarkably kinder.

“I," He grimaces. "I would owe you a great deal. Our superiors look at those with the Red Thirst as little more than a danger.”

The Blood Angels have been nothing but kind to you, in their own way. To even just be on the Red Tear is a safety and security you couldn’t repay.

It helps that it's him; You haven't ventured far around the Blood Angels ship alone, and you shamefully feel yourself beginning to get attached. If this curse can be sated by something so seemingly menial to you, then you have no reason to refuse.

“Ok.”

You move to take off your pants hands shaking just barely in nervousness, as he drops to his knee with one heavy thud. The sound startles you, just as your pants fall to the floor.

Once they’re off, and just your underwear remains, you hesitate for a moment. His stare is so intense, and you don't know how to describe it other than hungry. Given what he's told you, it makes perfect sense.

After what feels like and eternity of you being frozen, you finally manage to regain enough control to peel your underwear away. He viscerally reacts to the presumably iron filled scent, and the sight of blood against your now bare skin.

You see the way the knot in his throat bobs just above the black skinsuit beneath his armor.

With a speed that has you almost letting out a scream he grips your hips pulls them forward enough that the angle feels precarious, but he has a solid enough grip that leaves no chance of you falling. He throws your right leg over his shoulder next to open your thighs, your foot pressing against the front of his jetpack.

He hesitates for a moment, and you look away from the sheer intensity of his expression before you feel his hot breath on your skin.

You feel the moment he finally takes a taste and you can barely hold in a whimper, it coming out a tiny squeak as you feel the way his hands shift and tighten against your hips. Any hesitation he had is gone near instantly, as he presses his mouth against your cunt.

His armored hands grip at your hips with a strength that makes you ache and fear bruises, easily keeping your legs spread with minimal effort as his tongue laps at your folds. You can see the blood smear across his face, though he pays no mind. He acts as if this is the first meal he's had in ages, or the last he'll ever have.

But while perhaps your pleasure might not be at the forefront of his mind in his quite literal bloodlust, the way his tongue slips between your folds and teases you still makes shivers go up your spine. Your hands grip his hair and attempt to steady yourself, as his strength pushes you around. It's impossible to stop the way your hips push forward trying to get closer to him, gasping as he briefly brushes around your clit.

Suddenly however he pulls himself away, mouth stained much the same as your cunt and upper thighs are. You can see his eyes are glassy his throat bobs.

"I should stop."

He mumbles something to himself about loosing himself further to the Thirst, as if he's treading a line between sating his hunger or falling victim to it. You, perhaps stupidly, encourage him to do the exact opposite.

"No, no just, just a bit more,"

You breathlessly whisper and attempt to pull him closer. He silently resists for a moment, before the knot in his throat bobs and he returns his mouth to between your legs. You can't stop the loud moan you let out into the barren room, damning the consequences of anyone hearing you.

You're so close to that peak you only need a bit more, and the way his teeth scrape against your skin and nose presses against your clit gets you there. Your hands tighter in his hair and you inhale, trying not to cry out. But even after you start to come down he continues, his mouth overstimulating so many little nerves you feel on the edge of tears. Your face is hot as your fingers grip at his armor, desperately whining for him to simultaneously stop, and never stop.

He pulls away again, and gently emoves your leg from his shoulder to let you stand and wobbly attempt to yourself. Your knees feel weak and so many of your muscles are sore, even though he was exceedingly gentle with you.

Realizing his face is a mess, he uses the fabric of his cape to wipe it; How fortuitous the fabric is red.

"You should still keep clear of my brothers until this, passes. You never know how close one of them is to loosing themselves and hurting you." You'll heed the warning. If they're anything more than what gusto he already displayed, you wouldn't be surprised angels more lost to the thirst would be dangerous to you. He displayed a remarkable degree of restraint, you could tell.

Though, a curious part of your mind wonders what he'd be like if he hadn't.

"Do you at least feel better? I don't know how the Thirst works but," He nods.

"Yes. It is nice to not have my head so clouded. I... Thank you."

You smile, before accidentally letting more words tumble out of your lips that you should've allowed. It seems his presence always seems to makes you accidentally forget how to not act a fool.

"Always happy to help." He takes your phase at face value, though you suppose you wouldn't refuse him if he asked again. It wasn't as if this ended badly for you.

"You are kind, offering yourself to a Blood Angel. Not many would."

Beyond their sophisticated veneer they are still dangerous predators more than capable of killing you with the slightest motion, you understand why any few who learn about their supposed defect would fear them.

Maybe something is clouding your judgement, but you don't fear him; At least not yet.

Adjusting your clothing you watch as he rises to his full height, his cape flowing behind him. You grip your own fingers nervously and look around.

"But, would you mind bringing my back to my own quarters? I'll admit I have no idea where on the ship you brought me, and I'm still a bit woozy." He offers a gentle but stoic smile.

"Of course."

[undershyperfixate]

VERY LONG RANT ABOUT AIDEN.

I apologize for any mistakes, my french ass type fast without paying attention to my grammar because I'm not a native speaker ( writer in that case)

Okay guys I need to know, did I interpret Aiden wrong in this scene?

So I've been reading a LOT of sbg fanfics, (because it's my hyperfixation and it's actually incredibly hard for me to detach or distance myself from it ( my fellow autistic people, y'all get what I mean) )

And I've noticed that in a lot of fics, they make Aiden a bit more clueless(?) like in some fics, he's written as if he actually thought Ashlyn was shy, or that he didn't understand that she didn't like social interaction

But from what I've read in the webtoon, he seems to know? Since the start

Like he always knew she was like that, he just pushed her limits because he wanted to know more about her

After Ashlyn says that, Aiden has this physical response :

This snarky smile guys, he understood that she just didn't want to talk, but knowing that; he purposefully acted as if he just thought she was shy, to trigger a response from her and be able to continue the convo without her being able to counter argue, after all Ashlyn try to keep being polite in refusing to interact with him.

The "you're just shy right?" Sounds sarcastic, and the voice actor in the dub ver encapsulated this exact tone from what I remember.

When he laughs because she runs away, he's not frustrated or shocked, he knew she wanted to leave and thought it was funny how fast she was able to escape the situation

In the canva, he acts like this because he's portrayed as a psychopathic character

But in the webtoon, he's definitely not written like this, BUT and I don't see enough people talk about this, he definitely has some psychotic reactions, his rush for adrenaline feels more than fueled by masked depression( not sure if it's 100% depression, he could have had another disorder in the flashback given), it feels manic, it feels psychotic. And by psychotic I don't mean psychopathic, I mean by the def of psychosis "a severe mental condition in which thoughts and emotions are so affected that contact is lost with external reality." He's not completely psychotic and I don't think Red wrote him with the exact disorder, but I do think he has some symptoms. Multiple of his actions, reactions and behavior feels very out of touch, as if reality didn't exist the same way in his mind, OR I'm confusing that with a cluster B disorder, it feels so familiar as someone with one. But it might just be me projecting or analyzing too hard.

But also, he's still very in touch with reality based on his relationship with the main 6, especially when his actions have consequences on the things he cherishes. it definitely reminds me of the entire thread @stillfrownyclownlol made about him being obsessive with Ashlyn and how it was shown through his way of behaving, fixating ect. Anyway I love ranting and I loved the aiden obsessive rant so It made me realize I had a lot to say about him too.

Sorry again for ranting so much 💕 ( and I hope I tagged the right person because it would be embarrassing if I didn't remember who wrote the Aiden obsessive rant and just tagged someone else).

[companionjones]

Your Thoughts

Pairing: Edward Cullen x Reader

Fandom: Twilight

Warnings: Anxiety, self-hatred, one curse word

*******

    He first heard them off in the distance. Then, they got louder, and louder, and louder. He finally realized who all the thoughts were coming from as you entered the room.

    Sadly, you immediately walked right in front of a fan. Edward had to physically hold himself back from attacking you as soon as he could smell you. Your blood was like his own personal brand of heroine.

    Aaannd Edward had to spend an entire class with you sitting next to him. He thought that after hundreds of years he was finally going to snap and lose everything.

    What made things worse, was that he could read your mind. All you could think was that you badly reeked and everyone could smell you. Your thoughts only got worse from there.

    By the end of the class, Edward needed to get out of there, but he couldn’t without telling you, “It’s not your fault,” before leaving.

    Edward tried to get out of Biology. When he couldn’t, he was gone for about a week, trying to get his shit together.

    Although you were no longer around him, Edward couldn’t get your thoughts out of his head. He felt horrible that he made you feel like that. Changing your thoughts was the only reason he went back to school.

    When Biology rolled around, Edward headed for the seats in which you and he had been sitting, only to find that you could not have been sitting farther from them.

    Along with your overwhelming scent, Edward heard all of your thoughts again, and they were just as dark and lonely as before. Edward fought past his vampire instincts and sat next you you again. He offered a light smile in your direction.

    Your thoughts responded accordingly. If Edward had to put one word to them, it would’ve been confusion.

    He tried to levee your thoughts with conversation. “Hello.” He cursed himself for sounding so rehearsed. “I’m sorry for not introducing myself last week...I’m Edward Cullen.”

    “I’m Y/n L/n,” you introduced.

    You were scared of him, that much was obvious from your thoughts. But you weren’t scared of Edward in the way he expected. You were scared of him like you were scared of everyone, and you wondered why he, why anyone, would talk to you.

    Edward hoped those thoughts would leave you as he talked to you longer.

    “Do you like the weather here?” He decided that was a normal enough question to ask.

    Perhaps it was too normal of a question, because you thought it a bit odd that he had asked. You replied anyway, “Yeah, I do. It has been raining a lot, though. I miss the sun.” You hoped you hadn’t talked for too long.

    Edward wished you hadn’t thought that. He couldn’t remember ever reading a mind that had as much anxiety as yours did. He wanted so badly to lighten up your mind that he found himself agreeing with you about the sun. It wasn’t untrue. Edward did miss the sun, just maybe a little less now because seeing it would mean he wouldn’t be able to see inside your mind for the day.

    You and Edward talked for the rest of the class. He asked you many questions: How long you had been in town, what was the farthest you’d been from home, etc. He just couldn’t get enough of you or your mind. He had also succeeded in getting your mind to stop thinking such terrible things about yourself. Well, he did, at least until the bell rung.

    Thoughts started flooding your head about how you didn’t want him to go because this was the best interaction you could remember having.

    Who was Edward to deprive you of that?

    He knew he shouldn’t have, but he kept talking to you. When the bell rang and you both had to go to your next class, Edward exchanged phone numbers with you so you could text during class. The two of you did so for the rest of the day.

    “You should really let me drive you home today. It’s still raining.” Edward texted after the final bell.

    You texted back, “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

    “You’re not asking, I’m offering. Let me drive you home,” he said as he approached you from behind.

    Edward had just made you smile for the first time. He felt his long-dead heart flutter. Edward also felt the eyes of his siblings on him. He knew they had heard what he had just said because everyone’s thoughts were heavily cautioning him to just leave you.

    Everyone’s thoughts except Alice’s. “Just go. It’ll be fun.”

    Maybe it was because she was thinking very clearly, or maybe it was because Edward wanted to hear that the most, but either way, Alice’s thoughts came through louder than the rest of his siblings. It was what convinced him to get into his car with you.

    And so, Edward drove you home that day. He also drove you to and from school the next day, and the next day, and every day for the rest of that week.

    When Friday rolled around, you got into Edward’s car with questions rolling around inside your head.

    “Why are you being so nice to me, Edward?”

    He shrugged. “Because I think you’re kind, and amusing, and beautiful--”

    A few things.

    One, surprisingly, Edward didn’t often think of the words coming out of his own mouth because he was often so occupied by other people’s thoughts inside his head. That was why he had admitted that he thought you were beautiful.

    Two, you had been thinking that question so loud and so repetitively that Edward didn’t hear any of your other thoughts as you got into his car.

    Three, you thought of something else so quickly before acting that Edward didn’t have time to react accordingly.

    But Edward has super speed. Shouldn’t he be able to react fast no matter what? Well, not with what you had in store for him. With what you thought, Edward needed at least a second to think before reacting.

    You had kissed Edward.

    Yes, he needed that one second to process what was happening. Edward also needed another second to get his body to react.

    He pulled away from you and got out of the car. Edward tried his best to get your scent out of his system.

    You got out of the car too. “I am so, so sorry. I think--I guess I misread the messages and assumed--I’m so sorry.” You started walking in the school’s direction.

    Your thoughts were a mess. Never had Edward heard as much self-hatred that wasn’t aimed at himself.

    He used his vampire speed to catch up to you before you turned around. “Y/n.”

    When you faced him, you briefly wondered how he had gotten to you so fast. But, just as you had done with Edward, he didn’t give you time to think.

    He placed both hands on either side of your face (avoiding your pulse) and leaned toward you.

    Truthfully, Edward was leaning in a little slow in fear of his blood lust, but then he heard your thoughts.

    “He’s going to kiss me! Yes!”

    That made Edward fully smile before he pressed his lips to yours.

    The kiss lasted about seven seconds.

    When you separated, you commented, “This is insane.”

    “Sweetheart,” he smiled, “You have no idea.”

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it. I would also really appreciate a comment, if you have the time, if you would like to read more, check out my masterlist over on my page. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you! <3 <3 <3

[justpoliteconversations]

Missed Communication [Time x Fem!OC x Malon]

In which Time has met his match in the least flattering way possible and Malon has custody of all the brain cells.

A.K.A Time and OC are idiots and Malon's their only saving grace.

Masterlist

Disclaimer: Don't own The Legend of Zelda franchise. Linked Universe is the fan creation of jojo56830.

---

This was not how I thought my first visit to Lon Lon Ranch would go.

Maybe a friendly greeting with Time's Misses, a few laughs with the boys and then a well placed excuse to escape the chronic awkwardness (and unease) that seems to dominate my every interaction with the Hero of Time these days.

Not. This. Whatever this is.

---

Our first meeting had been as normal and pleasant as any magic portal driven meeting could be. That is to say, not normal at all but pleasant regardless. Just really, really weird.

The older Hero and I had just clicked, despite this. His nonchalant deadpanned humor matched well with my well-placed instigation and soft-spoken wit. It helped that I was (physically) his age and boosted a maturity surpassing that of most of his charges.

Also, he was handsome as sin. Like, painfully pretty. Don't get me wrong, objectively all the boys were beautiful, but the mature set of Time's jaw and the faint lines around his eyes just stroked the woman in me.

Man has dilf himbo energy in spades. The whole damned package.

Malon was a lucky woman indeed.

The first few months of our aquatince was warm, simple and steeped in a growing trust that grew with each exasperated sideward glance and fond smile shared over the boys' heads. He was, in the truest meaning of the word, my friend. I dare even say a good one.

And then it happened.

That damned fortune teller.

The beginning of the end of our budding friendship. Stopped dead in it's tracks in less than the span of a breath.

I don't know what she'd told him that day, and he wouldn't tell, but it changed something fundimental in the bond I'd thought we'd shared. Now, he can hardly stand to look at me most days, let alone have a full converstion.

And I'm...just so lost.

It hurts, the sudden distance. So unexpected. One moment we're sleeping next to each other each night, whispering fondly about his beloved wife and my beloved pets, and the next an entire fire and six bedrolls lay between us.

But what can I do. He'd made his stance clear, silent though it may be, and who am I to cling to a friendship I was the only one harboring. It wasn't fair to him, and it most certainly wasn't fair to me.

So, I let it go. Just stayed in the back of the group where our paths wouldn't have to cross and began to forge new friendships among the boys. And honestly, I'm still enjoying myself among this gaggle of sweet, overly protective gremlins. Despite whatever misfortune (or miscommunication) caused this rift between Time and I.

Case in point, Legend might just be the funniest guy I've met in a long time and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to grow closer to him. Even if his words sometimes bite a little too close to home. Though Hyrule's quiet concern over the strained interaction between thier unofficial leader and myself often leaves me feeling guilty. His large, inquiring eyes and soft, sympathetic smile enough to shake a woman down to the bones.

Such sensitive boys, all of them.

I wish I'd had answers for them.

Especially when it all took an even deeper nosedive when Time recieved a letter from his wife. Standard fair but for the way his eye had hooded and cut towards me for just the briefest of moments, focused and cold.

Had I not been looking around the group as I had in that moment, I would have missed it entirely. But be it fate or luck (ill though it may have been) I had unintentionally made eye contact with him.

It was the first time in all my interactions with the Chain that I felt...

...afraid. Of him.

But it was gone as soon as it happened. Seemingly a simple misread flicker of the firelight, but for the way my heart stood cold in my chest for the rest of the night afterward.

And many more nights to follow.

So, upon exiting the portal to the wide pastures of a land I pegged to be Time's, I steeled myself. Against what, I wasn't sure, but I was on his home turf now and he certainly didn't seem to want me around. So, I'd imagine he'd take exception to my presence in his home.

But nothing could have prepared me for...

"Goodness! Why, aren't ya just the sweetest thing! All doe eyed and honey dew smile! Dear! Why didn't you tell me she'd be such a darling!"

Malon.

She took to me like a bee to pollen, a moth to light. She locked her arm with mine immediately and refused to budge, even as she embraced the boys one by one. Her dark blue eyes were glimmering (like the surface of deep water) and hair shining in the sunlight. Sun-kissed face glowing with wonder and delight. The freckles on her cheeks charming across her sweat slicked skin.

She was wonderful. She was beautiful.

I was terrified.

I couldn't bring myself to look in Time's direction. I didn't think my heart would survive what I'd find.

I was afraid to see that cold, focused eye ripping though my soul again, as though staring down an enemy.

I made my excuses early, feigning weariness, much to Melon's dismay. She took it well enough though. Called me a delicate, spring flower. Showed me to the guests rooms, offered me my own. I refused (I wanted to stay with the boys. She seemed charmed by the admission). Touched my hand with such warmth, was slow to withdraw.

I smiled at her, small but grateful, hesitant. My heart was hammering in my chest. The hairs on the back of my neck rose at the feeling of a stare on the side of my face.

She smiled back, seemingly eager for my tentative gestures of friendship. So very sincere, radiating the kind of adoration a person spends their whole lives searching for.

I didn't look to her right. I didn't look up nor  over her shoulder. I kept my eyes on hers, entranced by their dark colors and the little sparks of life dancing within depths but afraid to tell her so.

She was absolutely gorgeous and I was so smitten and so very fucked.

I hoped my face didn't give me away. I prayed that my eyes didn't reveal my thoughts.

When her eyes crinkled at the corners, I knew I'd failed.

I bid them a good evening.

Even as I'd closed the door I could still feel his gaze on me.

I stayed in the room all that evening and all through the night. Four was sweet enough to bring me a plate of dinner, and I was once again so grateful to be in the company of such caring young men.

I really, really was.

That night I slept with Hyrule curled against my back, trying to be the best big spoon he could. Sky was at his, the whole damned ladle to encompass us both within his arms. Legend at our feet, his hand curled loosely around Sky's half rumpled sock and face scrunched in discontent, fingers occasionally twitching around the fabric.

I loved them all so much.

---

Then things got weird.

I exited the room the next morning before the majority of the boys had even left their bedrolls and found Time waiting at the end of the hallway. He was wearing a plain off-white shirt and dark pants.

He looked good. Relaxed, almost, but for the tension in his shoulders when he caught sight of me. The reminder was enough to tear my eyes from him and keep my gaze lowered as I moved steadily to walk passed him.

"Hey." The sound of his voice startled me, so long has it been since it was directed towards me.

He sounded awkward and I wanted to ease that awkwardness. I did not have the strength to, however. I was a coward.

And hurt. Very, very hurt.

Petty.

"Yes?" I eventually said after the stilted silence had carried on too long, unable to keep watching this strong man (this good man, still, for all we were at odds) struggling to continue.

His one good eye tried to meet my gaze, feather soft and regretful in my peripheral, so very vulnerable under my carefully blank stare fixated on his cheek.

"I know I don't deserve it, and you need not accept, but I'd like to properly apologize for the way I've treated you in the recent weeks." He finally managed, voice laden with an emotion I couldn't fully place but thought sounded suspiciously like grief. "If you'd allow me, may I please escort you to the kitchen?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to stay silent. I wanted to be petty.

I wanted Sky to stop worrying about me. I wanted Twilight to stop repenting to me. I wanted Hyrule to stop fretting for me. I wanted Warriors to stop defending me. I wanted Wild to stop raging for me. I wanted Legend to stop hurting for me.

I wanted...I just wanted...

I just wanted my friend back.

I wanted to feel safe again.

"Okay."

I've always been such a fool for vulnerable men.

Tentatively, he offered his arm, eye soft and resigned from the corner of my vision. Waiting for me to reject him, I realized, wanting me to express my rage the only way he knew I'd allow myself. Wanting to be punished accordingly for having suddenly scorned my friendly gestures and inquiring whispers.

What a fool man. Such a damned idiot.

Guess that makes two of us.

I took his arm, fighting down the wave of unease and spite that pushed against my throat. His arm was warm and solid under my tentative touch, barely restrained power coursing under the cloth and skin. I'd nearly forgotten how his shoulders seemed wide enough to carry the weight of the world.

No. No I hadn't. In the quiet of the night, when the unease and uncertainty were strongest, sometimes I wondered if that might would one day snuff the light from my eyes.

I wondered if he'd cry in remorse afterwards. If he'd feel anything at all.

He wouldn't. He wouldn't feel a thing because he'd never do that and I knew it. Wouldn't have been fighting for breathing room between Sky and Hyrule's smothering heat if he'd had any intent to remove me from their lives. Wouldn't have been cradling Wind's small head between the soft valley of my breasts if he'd deemed me dangerous or unsavory or suspicious.

I may have fallen out of his favor, but he loved his boys with a fierce and zealous devotion. He'd never let harm befall them, be it body, soul or tenderly beating hearts.

He'd have cut me down long ago if he ever meant to. To spare his boys the pain of loss.

The kitchen was bright and smelled faintly of herbs when we entered, my arm still folded gently with Time's.

Malon was there, enchanting red hair down around her shoulders and eyes bright, despite the early hour. The faint crease lines of pillow marks reddened the soft curve of her cheek, stark even against the spread of her freckles.

She smiled at me, tired and fond, before pinning her husband with an intense, expectant stare. The set of her mouth and brow was carefully neutral, but the fire in her eyes gave away her true feelings.

She was mad. Not livid or spiteful or even disappointed, just mad.

She was scarier for it. I could tell she wasn't the type of woman to go off on a rampage and say or do anything that would deminish the validity of her own arguements or feelings. She was probably the type of woman to say exactly what she means and how she feels without embellishment nor doubt. She seemed the type of person you couldn't find fault in their anger, because it was perfectly supported by their words and actions.

Noticing this, I almost felt bad for Time and how thoroughly he was probably admonished to make him this compliant after weeks of silence and avoidance. Almost. Mostly I just felt a hesitant spark of validation and kinship with Malon, even as confusion and caution swirled in my chest.

Why? Why was this even happening in the first place? Why this sudden atmosphere around the couple?

They loved each other so much. They missed each other so much. Before- that happened, Time never shied away from expressing his feelings regarding his wife. Nor what she'd written to him in turn.

What happened? What did she see between Time and I that would bring her scrutiny down on her beloved husband? For a woman she didn't even know?

Time led me to the chairs closest to where Malon was leaning against the counter, loosening his grip enough for me to remove my arm from his. It seemed to be another conscious decision on his part, to not pull away and to allow me to be in control of our proximity. Honestly, it was sweet he was trying so hard, and had it been before all of...this, I certainly would have swooned at the effort he was making.

I steeled myself against the warm feeling trying to take root in my stomach though, and instead took a seat at the counter.

"Good mornin', darlin'. You sleep well?" Malon asked softly, eyes warm and sleep dry lips pulled into a tired but inviting smile.

I nodded, before managing to speak around the lump in my throat. "Yes. Thank you for having us, Ms. Malon. I apologize for retiring early last night. The road left me quite weary. You and your husband's hospitality is most appreciated."

I noticed a spark of something glinting in Malon's dark eyes, before it was soothed down with a bright smile. "Now, now! There's no need for that, dear! You're always welcome here!"

She looked to her husband then, and when I instinctively followed her gaze, I wasn't expecting what I saw.

His jaw was clenched, betraying the- false- smoothness of his brow and relaxed curve of his ears. He was upset, but trying to reign it in and project a calm front. The lines around his eye gave him away though.

He looked hurt. Gazing into Malon's eyes with a lost expression.

What was happening?

I couldn't take it anymore. This underline tension and these confusing actions and feelings being tossed over my head. Like fists full of powder clogging my senses.

"I'm sorry, but, please." I said softly, bringing their attention back to me. My stomach rolled, but I pushed on. "I don't understand what's happening right now." I kept my eyes averted. "Please just explain it to me, so I can understand how to fix this."

Silence.

I spoke once more into that silence. Voice tight with emotion and broken, useless pride as I continued.

"I'm sorry for this tension I've caused. I meant no harm. I just want to make amends for whatever I did to offend you." I looked Time in the eyes. The first time since that fateful night we locked gazes across the fire. "I'm sorry. Tell me how to fix this. Please, Link."

The warm slide of tears escaped down my cheeks without permission, my body no longer able to hold back the immensity of my feelings. The hurt, the confusion, the desperation. The pulsing, writhing, whispering doubt that was my fear.

Fear of this man's wrath and the power he so casually holds over me, a foreign woman with no means to properly defend or support herself in this strange, unfamiliar world. Who's very survival hangs by the thin thread that is the Chain's compassion and continued favor.

Fear of his every frown and unreadable silence. Of the loyalty the boys hold for this man and his words, his influence, his command. Of how quickly he can take it all away in a moment of displeasure or offense. This warm safety net of fondness and companionship I've built myself within the soft, welcoming hearts of the boys, nothing more than delicate silk webs weaved around his fingers. Allowed purchase by the grace of his will alone.

Fear of his overwhelming strength, his unrelenting fury in the face of opposition. Of his unyielding might and unfathomable abilities beyond anything my limited understanding of this world can comprehend. The raw talent he possesses, the potential he wields, like magic weaving themselves into mortal flesh.

My shoulders begin to shake, throat closing as I hide my face in my hands, fingers wetting with tears. The weight of everything crashing down like stones upon my chest and I'm overwhelmed by the fall.

I miss my world, my home, my family, my friends. I miss my independence. I miss the security of knowing how to survive in the world around me, of being able to support myself and choose whom I give myself wholly over to.

I miss the power to live without fear of others opinions or goodwill. To stare down those who would judge and scorn me with the confidence of a woman with a full time job and the money to back up her words. Her own apartment, her own bills. A phone and heating and water and food and furry little mouths to feed.

A woman assured of herself and where she stands in the world. I woman without fear.

The woman I used to be. Not this sniveling, begging shell of a creature clinging to life by the favor of a man. Who. Hates. Her.

Eventually, the tears ran their course and I finally became aware of myself again. Arms were around me, holding me against warm muscle hidden under soft cloth as my hands twisted into their long sleeve.

"I...I'm sorry." I choked, embarrassed and struggling to breathe through blocked sinuses. "I didn't mean to...to..."

I opened my eyes.

I realized, staring at Malon's blurred face twisted in compassion from across the counter, that it wasn't her holding me.

She wasn't the one holding me.

My breath nearly hitched in anxiety, stomach dropping in the cold void of my guts. My mind reeled with confusion, a thousand thoughts swirling through my head between one breath and the next. A cold sweat broke out along the nape of my neck, along my lower back.

I'd frozen, still clutching to the sleeve between my fingers and my shoulder tucked into a chest (firm, laden with dense, lithe muscle) that could only belong to one man.

This didn't make sense. Being forced by your wife to apologize was one thing, but to actively comfort the person you resented was something else entirely. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I felt confused, wrong-footed, relieved. But mostly, I felt stupid. Because I didn't understand a damned thing that was happening right now or what had caused this sudden shift in Time's behavior.

Then Time started speaking, and it was like the entire world began to shatter and remake itself around me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think- I didn't know-" He paused briefly, before taking a deep, fortifying breath and continuing. "I'm sorry I hurt you. That I put fear in your heart. It was never my intention. I hadn't even considered how the situation must have looked to you."

Another breath, the slightest tensing of his arms around my shoulders. "You always seem so calm and assured in everything you do. It didn't even cross my mind that you might feel vulnerable after everything that's happened to you."

My heart squeezed. All my insecurities, being laid out before me. One glance at Malon's knowing gaze and I understand where this sudden awareness must have come from.

Time continued, heedless of my newfound understanding. "I never once intended to cast you aside or let harm befall you. I care for you so dearly. Even if you had decided to reject my companionship, I'd still protect you all the same. I thought you knew that, but I was wrong. I should never have assumed you knew something I didn't tell you."

He sighed, but it sounded shaky in my ear. "I hadn't stopped to consider your feelings, before I sought to protect my own. And for that, I'm sorry."

The arms around me tightened, as though trying to impart the sincerety of his words with the action. He needn't have bothered though, because despite it all I believed every word he spoke.

If there was one thing I could always rely on, it was his honesty in matters regarding the heart. No matter how strained our friendship became, it was the one thing I knew he would not actively lie about.

But still.

"But I never did anything to you." I sniffed wetly, fingers digging into his sleeve as I fixated my gaze at the countertop where Malon's freckled hands were resting. "I don't understand why you suddenly felt the need to- escape from me." The tears wanted to come again, but I held them back. This was too important to lose focus. "Please help me understand. The fortune teller-"

Time groaned suddenly and Malon laughed with impish delight, a glint of mischief making an unexpected appearance in her eyes. The sound of Malon's laughter brought confused warmth to my chest, cutting through the thick turmoil muddying up my mind.

Awkward silence. Until Time sighed again. Deeply.

"She told me I'd find new and- passionate love."

What?

Wait, what?

I pulled away from his arms a bit, just enough to turn and peer at him through watery lashes, taking in his blurry visage. My brows pulled down and a look of disbelief no doubt found purchase on my face, mouth pressed in a tight line.

"That's it? Weeks of avoidance and radio silence because some lady in a tent said you'd get the hots for someone? And you just assumed that someone might be me?"

I couldn't believe it. All this time. Just because some lady happened to see us traveling close together and decided to play matchmaker? Really?

Of all the-

Wait a damned minute.

"Time?" I said, tone flat as I locked gazes with him. Dead serious.

He looked right back, though there was caution in his eye now along side the regret. "Yes?"

I leaned forward a bit, our already close proximity putting me squarely in his face. My could feel the spark of rightous rage taking form in my chest.

"You weren't having doubts about your marriage with Malon, were you?"

And suddenly there was no space between us, noses nearly touching, his stare so intense I almost pulled back despite still being trapped in his arms. I could feel the warm, damp spread of his breath against my lips and chin.

"No." He said with dead calm, the hard surety of his tone left no room for doubt.

"Good. Because if you were, you don't deserve her." I threw back, still giving him a hard stare.

Silence. He breaths smelled of coffee and something sweet coated over his natural scent. It made my gut twist in a not unpleasant way. It reminded me that his arms were still around me. How warm he was in the morning chill. How firm his muscles were against my hands and shoulder.

He grinned then, eye brimming with fae-like mirth as he rested his forehead against mine. It was the first time I've seen that beautiful expression in so long. My heart ached at the sight of it, warmth and sweet relief flooding into my heart like babbling spring water.

"There you are." He breathed lowly, eye closing as he leaned more into our point of contact. He inhaled deeply through his nose, shoulders relaxing. I hadn't even noticed until then just how tense they were. "I thought I'd ruined this."

"Hmm?" I hummed in question, still caught up in the rapture of seeing his smile again. Head foggy from our proximity, I felt the beginnings of fatigue settling into my bones from my earlier crying.

"My! Would ya look at that! You weren't kiddin' when ya said she had them lovin' eyes, darling!" Malon spoke up suddenly with barely contained glee, popping the bubble that seemed to exist around Time and I.

I pulled away hurriedly, realizing just how close Time and I had been. Sharing breath, foreheads resting against one another and our noses nearly bumping together. His arms around me and my body nestled into his chest. All of it completely inappropriate for the situation. Especially for being right in front of his wife!

And she sounded far too pleased with this whole thing. Like it didn't even matter that I'd just blubbered in her husband's arms and then touched my face to his like I had a right to.

The confusion was back. But this time, it pulled bright, sweet warmth to my cheeks as I stumbled to my feet. The gentle wink of butterfly wings swirled around in my stomach and Malon's delighted smirk only intensified the sensation, sending the flock up into my throat.

I needed to get away. I needed to think.

"I-I accept your apology, Time!" I stuttered out embarrassedly, fighting the blush I knew was trying to heat my face. "I hope we can talk more later, but I'd like time to think about what you said!" I explained a bit too loudly even to my own ears, nearly wincing at my own awkwardness.

Malon, having come from behind the counter, leaned against her husband's back, hands on his shoulders. She smiled sweetly, a complimentary expression to Time's amused grin. Both of them were haloed by the sun shining softly through the window behind them, like a Goddamned magazine cover.

Goodness, but do they make a beautiful couple.

No. Stay focused. Escape first and then figure out what the Hell is happening. Get yourself together.

"Have a good day, Time, Malon!" Time's lip twitched upward. My stomach squeezed. "Okay! Bye for now."

Then, I all but ran from the kitchen, leaving behind what may have been the last of my dignity. Behind me, Malon's sweet laughter chased me down the hall, alighting my face with hellfire.

And therein began my first official day at Lon Lon Ranch.

---

Because of the limited perspective of first person narrative, a lot of the finer details are implied rather then stated. So if something seems out of left field, it's because the OC herself didn't realize what was happening behind the scenes.

Now I must return to the shadows to rest.

[staycalmandhugaclone]

You'll Have to Go Through Me

We're at a point where I strongly recommend not reading this until after working your way through the entirety of Doc's Misadventures beginning, of course with Touch Starved!

There are still some slots left for the 400 follower celebration. I'll be bouncing between Doc fics and reader oc fics bit by bit (though, I can't really stop mid arc for brain reasons, so you'll get part 2 of this fic before I pop back into Asks)

Last head's up: Given my last fics weren't Doc fics, I didn't start this yet, but after today, I'll be reducing my tag list. If folks haven't interacted in some way for a few fics, I'm going to stop tagging you. Because Tumblr just can't do things easily for me, I frequently hand type my entire list, so if yuh want me to take the time to tag you, ya'll have to give me something back so I know I'm not tagging people who've lost interest or aren't even on here anymore. To all my lovelies who silently reblog: I adore you and you can do no wrong in this world! To those of you who frequently comment/chat with me about this crazy little world I accidentally made: I would happily burn the world to see you smile

Warnings: Lots of heavy emotions in this one - angst, guilt, angry, blame, got some profanity in there, and reference to child soldiers kinda

WC: 3,171

There was a rumor that the Kaminoan’s eyes could see colors humans simply couldn’t; that everything from the unblemished armor of shinies to the very reports endlessly updating on their communicators was overlaid with additional data invisible to those deemed a “lesser race.” That rumor left the identical, monotone halls of their cities feeling even more unwelcoming; as though secrets laid all around me, taunting my every step in some undeniable proof that their prejudiced beliefs held a merit I would never be able to fight, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about that anymore.

I roamed those immaculate halls aimlessly, purely for the want of letting myself get lost in them. The need to hide, to flee despite there being nowhere I could run drove me to wander endlessly through the most distant corridors, blindly staring at barracks that had long since been left abandoned as the production of clones lessened with every day that passed. Once, each of the countless rooms around me had been home to cadets too young to understand the horrors awaiting them, and I bleakly wondered how many of those children were now lost to the never-ending demand for sacrifice towards a goal that seemed just as distance now as it had during that very first battle.

I’d nearly walked past him, utterly oblivious to his presence until his helm shifted just enough to catch my attention, and, with a sharp gasp, I was ripped from the illusioned reprieve of my thoughts.

“Kriff!” The curse hissed through clenched teeth, wide eyes locking on the lithe figure leaning silently against the tiny inlet of a doorframe. That silence lingered until my panic withered into that too familiar dread, air catching in my lungs as I stood frozen before him.

“We’re leaving in an hour. Hunter sent you a com.” He stated, and I nearly broke from the chill in his raspy voice.

“I… I haven’t read it, yet…” I finally admitted, jaw stiff. I’d remembered how my heart had dropped at the alert for the incoming message, certain I’d find orders detailing my reassignment lingering within, and I hadn’t been able to bring myself to look. Crosshair said nothing for a long moment, and I had to fight the nervous dance of my fingers. Without another word, he turned and began to walk away, and a new panic overwhelmed me.

“Wait!” I gasped, body stealing a half-step toward him before locking up once more. He paused, but didn’t turn back, and I could feel something on the verge of shattering within me.

“I thought you said you didn’t regret it.” It was quiet, as though whispering those words might hide the hurt in them, and the air fled me in a shuttered exhale.

“I…” My throat locked around that choked word, and I cursed myself for faltering when I so desperately wanted to offer him some hint of reassurance, but I could only stare as his shoulders sank before starting through those sickeningly pristine halls once more.

“Wait…” I begged, voice barely audible, but he didn’t stop, and finally, my body remembered itself. “Wait! Wait, dammit! I don’t regret being with you!” I shouted, racing forward to cut him off. He said nothing as he stared down at me, that emotionless visor offering nothing of the warmth with which he’d looked at me just days prior, and I could feel myself wilt beneath it. Letting out a carefully controlled exhale, I reached up to remove my own helmet, robbing myself of what protection that barrier feigned to lay myself bare before him.

“They… they can’t even look at me, Crosshair…” I whispered, and I could see the dark circles beneath my eyes in the sliver of my reflection, “and I don’t… I don’t know how to deal with that.” I couldn’t breathe as I waited anxiously for some manner of response. When he finally began to move, that need surged anew within me, and I could only watch as his hand slowly reached up to trail lightly along my jaw until his palm rested against my cheek.

“I told you they’d figure it out.” A short scoff escaped me, and I couldn’t keep myself from shifting further into his touch. My lips parted, breath catching with the beginnings of speech, but I felt the words abandon me, too weary to force out a response. Instead, I let myself grasp his hand reverently between both of mine and turned just enough to press my lips firmly against his gloved palm, fingers tightening with a desperation I couldn’t risk giving voice as I listened to the air leave him in a slow sigh. Without a word, he pulled his hand away and wrapped his arms around me. I didn’t hesitate, eagerly pressing myself against him for that familiar comfort of his embrace.

“Every time that damn com went off…” I whispered hiding against the rigid planes of his chest plate as sobs vied to rob even those strained words from me, “I was so sure it was an alert that I’d been reassigned…” and, I couldn’t fight back the tiny hitch of a sob as his arms tightened.

“That’s not going to happen.” A hopeless huff of laughter escaped me, but when he called my name, I found my gaze automatically turning up to his, and I couldn’t bring myself to doubt him. “Just give them some time… Please.” How could I not yield beneath the raw need in his voice? I barely noticed the way my head subtly nodded against him, but that didn’t diminish the truth of the gesture. Of course, I would give them time. I would grant them as long as they needed regardless the way my heart twisted at the mere thought of subjecting myself to the terrible quiet they fell into at the very threat of my presence… I knew I could never leave them… any of them… not unless they told me to… I’d promised.

-

I’d hidden away in those abandoned halls for three days before he’d come to find me. Following him back to the hanger had the same taste as an akk dog being dragged home from the pound, and I couldn’t keep my gaze from studying the metal ramp below as we eventually reached the Marauder. I’d finally glanced at my datapad as we walked and found myself wishing I hadn’t. There were only two lines of text in that initial com: the time of the mission brief, which I’d missed, and the time we were meant to leave, which we only barely made it back by. A subsequent message appeared to summarize that brief, but I didn’t have time to more than open it.

As soon as the ramp locked into place, Crosshair pulled off his helmet and stored it in his gun locker. I started to do the same, but paused at the sudden quiet that stole through him once I’d removed my bucket, fingers absently shifting over the ridge where padding covered the unyielding plastoid. He said nothing as he stepped toward me, but I melted at the first feel of his hand slipping up the back of my neck to just tangle into the base of my hair as his lips pressed against my forehead. He held me like that until the ship began to rise, and then he left, silently disappearing into the cockpit where, I assumed, the rest of his brothers waited.

I knew those little moments of softness were, in part, merely an effort to distract me from the guilt ceaselessly twisting through my chest, but that realization didn’t lessen the warmth they granted me. I’d always believed there was more to him than the snarky, eternally unimpressed persona he so loved to flaunt about, but to find myself the subject of such gentle affection was something I would never weary of.

Finding myself alienated from his brothers, however, was a sorrow that contrasted so starkly with the thrill that lingered after Crosshair’s touch that I was left in a place of violently conflicting wants and regrets each too overwhelming to allow even a moment’s understanding of any one emotion. Part of me wanted to follow him, to plead some ignorance that the easy dynamic we’d fallen into hadn’t been shattered so effortlessly, but I couldn’t.

Images of the detached distance in Hunter’s eyes when he’d last looked at me sent me, instead, to the small kitchenette if only to busy myself with restocking menial items in some useless plight to distract myself. When those heavy footsteps sounded from down the hall, however, I found myself regretting that decision, despite how I loathed the thought of hiding away in the medbay again, but my heart raced at the thought of Wrecker coming to a sharp halt at the doorway, at the awkward silence that would fall as he tried to make some excuse to flee, and the coming devastation that would bring me.

I didn’t turn to him when he stopped just outside, attention carefully turned away from him to grant an easier escape, but he didn’t move. After a few tense seconds, I glanced hesitantly toward him, and found myself frozen at the quiet in those mismatched eyes as he looked at me.

“I was worried you weren’t coming back.” He murmured, and I had to turn away for a moment, lungs straining to draw in a steady breath before I could answer him.

“I was worried you might not want me to.” His broad shoulders dropped, automatically taking several steps nearer to me before catching himself.

“Of course, we do!” He said quickly, voice vainly forced into something of a hushed whisper. “It’s just… it’s hard, I guess… different… but that don’t mean we don’t want you around! Just… gotta figure out how everything fits, now, I guess…” Relief and turmoil warred through me as he stammered to explain, and I had to catch my lip between my teeth at the question that followed. “Is that why you stayed away?”

“I think… I think I was trying to figure out how things fit, too…” I answered, stumbling over the same inadequacy of spoken word to touch on the chaos and doubt that led me to wander those abandoned halls.

“… Crosshair… he makes you happy?” He asked suddenly, and my gaze instantly darted back up to find his focus staring blindly toward the too-small table meant to house half the number we’d so often crammed around it.

“… yeah… he does” I hated the hesitation in my voice, and found myself wanting to say more; to offer some promise that… that what? That it wasn’t that Wrecker didn’t make me happy? That the whirlwind of emotions storming relentlessly through me was so devastatingly confusing that I couldn’t begin to sort through them? That I had to bite my tongue to keep from begging him not to hate me? Trapped in that indecision, I allowed myself to say nothing at all, and his response nearly brought me to tears.

“That’s good.” There was still a subtle edge of sorrow in his voice, but I couldn’t doubt the sincerity of his words, which made them all the more painful to hear. “Things have been… hard lately - guess they always are, but… you and Cross… Yuh both needed something to be happy about. So, I’m happy for yuh… Just… sorry it took me a while to figure that out.”

My breath fled me in a broken sigh, and I instantly threw myself toward him, arms locking around his shoulders as my face hid against his neck. I felt him automatically move to return the embrace before freezing, body tense.

“Uh… is…” He stammered hesitantly. “Is it, yuh know… okay for me to-to hug yuh?” The laughter that escaped me sounded too akin to a sob, and I held him even tighter for it.

“Of course, it’s okay for you to hug me.” I said, voice dropping back into a whisper lest the words break, and some of that crippling weight finally slipped from my shoulders as he readily locked me against him.

“You look at the briefing, yet?” He asked after I finally released him, and I couldn’t help but notice the trace of tension hidden beneath that boisterous excitement.

“Not yet,” I replied, watching him carefully though I tried to keep the hesitation from my voice, “I was planning to read over it tonight. What’s the mission?”

“Just stealin’ files off’a some fancy database, but after I get to blow the whole thing up so they can’t figure out what we took!” There was an overzealousness to his too-quick response, a nervousness that I doubted many others would note, but I knew him, and, when I reached for my datapad to finally look through the message, I wasn’t surprised to hear the way his breath caught slightly in his throat. It took only a brief glance to understand why, and whatever traces of guilt within me went silent beneath my sudden rage.

“Hunter!” I shouted, already storming around Wrecker, blind to the way his face pulled into a barely restrained cringe. Two data ports needed to be spliced simultaneously at opposite sides of a large compound on an isolated world recently lost to Separatist forces. Crosshair was being dropped off on a nearby cliffside to provide cover and report troop movement, while Wrecker would begin placing munitions strategically throughout the facility. Hunter and Tech would infiltrate the northern port, and Echo the southern one nearest Crosshair’s position. Meanwhile, I was meant to remain on the Marauder as “backup”.

“What the kriff is this?!” I snapped. He was just cresting the cockpit ladder as I approached with my datapad clutched in my hand.

“If you’d been at the briefing, you wouldn’t be asking that.” He retorted, arms crossing over his chest as he stared down at me.

“Oh kriff you, Hunter!” I snarled, numb to the hurt I knew I should have felt at the feigned impatience in those eyes. His brow twitched briefly together, but he offered no further response. “You’re leaving Echo practically defenseless!”

“Echo is an arc trooper. He’s more than capable of taking care of himself.” He replied blankly.

“Not when he’s plugged in!” My words reverberated slightly against the metal walls, and some part of me wanted to feel guilty for how his sensitive hearing surely ached because of it, but I couldn’t stop myself. “The instant he’s connected, his reaction time-”

“Is still better than yours.” He interrupted harshly. My jaw snapped shut, heart pounding against my chest as he began walking toward me, movements slowed beneath a purposeful intent, exhibiting every ounce of the intimidating, elite soldier he’d been painstakingly created to encompass, but my anger, my dread that something would happen, that his benching me might cost his life or the life of one of his brothers forbade me from yielding, from feeling even a whisper of fear as I stared him down.

“Until we figure this out, you’re a liability. I can’t have them distracted out there in the middle of a mission just because you don’t want to feel left out.” He continued, voice sharp, and I wanted to spit at the word ‘they,’ balking at the vain implication that he’d managed to convince any one of us that he was somehow unaffected. “Unless you want to go running off somewhere again, we can try to figure this out after, but we’re set to land in four hours, and I’m not spending that time playing mediator when we need to be focused on not getting killed.”

Later, the silence that fell between us would break me. Later, I would remember the way my hands clenched into fists as I glared at the man before me with an animosity that, just days prior, I would have thought impossible. Later, I would remember that I was to blame for the crippling discordance that so effortlessly brought our unbreakable family to ruin. In that moment, however, I wanted to hurt him for all the ways I was hurting, and I hated myself for it.

“This is a mistake, Hunter.” The words left in a strained growl, teeth clacking as my jaw snapped around his name. “You know that… and it’s going get one of them killed.” His lips tensed with the beginnings of a scowl just as his attention shifted ever so slightly behind him.

I couldn’t hear what was said, but I held no doubt that that was the intent, that one of his brothers had murmured some warning or plea before he could offer whatever justifiably harsh retort lay seething atop his tongue, and I was glad I couldn’t hear them. If it was Crosshair, would I have lashed out against his attempt to protect me? If I’d heard Tech recant some psychological study dismissing my concerns in favor of Hunter’s logic, would I have yelled at him with that same vehemence? Or if Echo… I couldn’t… I couldn’t do this… I couldn’t breathe beneath the sudden certainty that I was alone in that moment… that I had no one to turn to as my thoughts cascaded into a darkness I feared would consume me.

Gaze falling to metal flooring forever stained with oil and grime and far too much blood as my chest tightened into a vise around my heart, I found myself frozen for a mere second longer before turning away from him. He made no effort to stop me. I didn’t think I could have stopped even if he had. I needed to think… no… I needed to run; to hide… I needed to escape the unspoken accusation in his eyes. I needed to escape the nightmare of my own thoughts berating me for each word that fell so thoughtlessly from my lips, the terror that Hunter was right, that I’d turned myself into the deadly distraction I’d so feared becoming all those months back. I needed to escape this faltering reality as the consequences of my own actions threatened to rip my very sense of self from hands I still couldn’t manage to unclench.

It wasn’t until hearing the quiet beep of the medbay’s door denying entry that I even realized I’d locked it behind me, and I instantly knew who stood just beyond that wall of chilled metal. Wrecker would have called out, and I doubted the others were quite ready to speak to me directly yet. I knew it was Crosshair; knew that he stood there waiting to see if I’d yield, but the seconds turned into minutes, and I made no effort to haul myself from where I sat tucked against the corner, fingers tangled into my hair as I merely let myself hurt beneath the weight of everything I’d lost, everything it felt like I was still losing. I heard his fist fall lightly against the door just once before, after a final moment of denial, treading slowly back down the hall.

Look at this adorable FANART!!! - Thank you so much @mythical-illustrator!!

Next Chapter

Click here or message me if you'd like to be added to a taglist!

Click here for my Masterlist.

Taglist: @arctrooper69 @ct-0113 @padawancat97 @eclec-tech @kixs-husband @atomickidsoul @jennrosefx @echos-girlfriend @starqueensthings @burningfieldof-clover @manofworm @merkitty49 @idoubleswearimawriter @abigfanofstarwars @chopper-base @daftdarling222 @pb-jellybeans @skellymom @bacta-the-future @rosechi @legalpadawan @pentaghasm @ew-wtaf @solstraalaa @drummergirl1701 @shersten-the-gold @shewhoneveryields @6oceansofmoons @get-wr3ckered @dangraccoon @ji5hine @dathomiri-mudpuppy @goddessofcongeniality @anotherschuylersister @inneedoffanfics @llamakiller101 @totally-not-your-babe @the-cantina @delialeigh @blondie-bluue @wanderer-six @ray-rook @saraokee @literallyjustanerd @andimancan @clio3kantarella @oldmanwithashield @iabrokengirl @sleepycat81 @sunshinsdaydream @arcsimper5 @aconstructofamind @rndmpeep @amorfista @wanderneverlost @flawsandgoodintent @passionofthesith @followthepurrgil @roam-rs @foodmoneyandcats

[wisteriawater]

I low key wanna start a chain where we talk about our favorite dunmeshi characters and why they are important to us, but I am scared and I have no idea how to do that. I just think it would be cool to see how everyone interacts with their favs and why.

For me, with Thistle (and some of this is just elves in general) is that I have the neurodivergency that leaves me with no great ability to perceive the passage of time. I can really only ever find myself in characters like him, Venti ect, but Thistle hits it even more. I get misunderstood to hell and back, some people infantilize me, others try to shape me too much into something bigger than I really am, and those two things together give you very little autonomy over the self. You just end up performing the idealized version of you that your loved ones have in their heads because you are so scared to loose them- because with out them you don't really have a place in the world of your own? Does that make sense? It gets to a point where you loose yourself all-together, and sometimes struggle to really know who you are. Bleh. I've been... I suppose displaced is the right word for it. My parents weren't truly in picture when I was young (more like a shadow in the distance. Cryptid parents), and the people that I was with could have gotten rid of me whenever they wanted, so I kinda ended up in my story's version of the silly jester/mage role like he did, so that I would still have a place? Does that makes sense? Then, that is all compounded with being grey... I don't get the same romantic experiences that most people do, so it feels like everyone is flying off into the ether now a-days. Like I am loosing them and getting left alone? His desperation to keep family/best friend around... I get it on a level I can't quite word. Aaa I have to stop now, Or I will just end up crying haha. I just wanna give this little guy a big hug...

I love those few characters that help us understand ourselves better, and even make us feel like real humans when there are so many things around us that do the opposite. Thistle is really important to me for this reason. Okay, I have been a sap long enough. Hell, how do I even tag this?

[modern-day-bard]

Other Duties As Assigned: A Joel Miller AU Fanfiction

Content Warning: 18+ This story includes mature themes such as drinking, stalking, violence, and explicit smut. Minors, do not interact.

Chapter 24: Remembering

ao3 | wattpad

word count: 3.8k

Joel

I was still too slow.

I throw myself at the door. Again, and again, and again. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t get through, and the pain of the silence, promising that something has already been lost, rings out all around me until I want to scream just to hear anything other than nothing. So, I do. I scream, and scream and no one comes to help. And I’m here to help, but she’ll never know. She—

“Joel,” a voice in the distance breaks through the quiet. It isn’t enough to break down the door though.

“Joel,” a little louder this time. “Wake up.”

There’s a hand on my shoulder, shaking me, trying to take me away from the door. I won’t leave her. I’ll keep bashing against the wood until it breaks apart. It has to. I have to—

“Joel,” the hand on my shoulder shakes me, much harder this time. “Wake up!”

My eyes fly open with a start, and I’m catching my breath as quickly as I can. I grab at the wrist on my shoulder, ready to fight off whoever is trying to pull me away.

“Hey, hey,” the soft voice gets closer, and I feel another hand, this time on the side of my face. “You’re okay.”

I blink in the darkness, finding Gwen’s pained eyes staring back at me. I immediately let go of her wrist.

“I’m sorry,” I croak.

She just shakes her head, like she has no idea why I would say that. Her hand is still on the side of my face, pushing a few strands of hair away, her thumb gently stroking my cheek.

“You were having a nightmare,” her voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it. I attempt to sit up, but she shushes me, and her fingers tickle me as she tucks another strand behind my ear. So instead, I let my head fall back against the pillow on the couch. I scoot my hip over to give her some more room from where she’s perched on the side.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say after a few minutes.

“You didn’t.” I give her a suspicious look, and she rolls her eyes. “I mean it. I hadn’t fallen asleep yet.”

“What time is it?”

“Um…” she glances at the kitchen stove. “Almost three.”

“Almost three and you haven’t slept?” Concern washes over me, prickling my arms.

“I was wasting time on my phone.”

I want to argue with her, to let her know that her lie didn’t land…but her hand feels so good brushing across my face like that, and I worry an argument might make her stop. She tends to talk with her hands.

After another minute, she asks, in a voice falling on eggshells, “Who’s Sarah?”

My entire body runs cold, and the panic must be etched on my face, because she adds, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. You were…calling out to her, is all. You called out to her back in my apartment, too.”

I take a few breaths, focusing on her hand that doesn’t falter, and her other one that has now cautiously wrapped around the top of mine, resting on my stomach. The softness of her skin was like a balm over my nerves that felt like they’d been replaced with live wires. Her eyes are patient, focusing on every reaction I have.

“She’s…” my voice is already twisted with emotion. “She was the daughter of a client.”

Gwen’s motions cease, but only for a fraction of a second. I realize that she’s waiting for me to continue.

“She passed away a long time ago. Under my watch.”

“What happened?” She whispers.

I shake my head lightly, closing my eyes. I don’t think I can look at her face when I tell her. To see it fall—to realize that I’m a failure. That I might have failed her, too. But she is bound to find out at least part of the story with the report she’ll be getting. It would be better to hear it from me.

“I haven’t done private security detail in years. I’ve chosen to be abroad because, working for families…seeing what can happen if you’re not careful…” my voice catches again, and Gwen’s quiet shushing encourages me to continue. “I was in charge of the father. He was a new senator, not very well-known. They were having a birthday party for their oldest daughter. Everyone on the guest list had a background check. It wasn’t even that big of a party, and the day was almost over. My job the entire day was to stand near the senator. That’s what my boss told me. Just stand near him, make sure no one threatening approached him, that sort of thing. Then, after the birthday cake was handed out, their youngest, Sarah, went missing. Apparently some of the kids were playing hide and seek. We didn’t know that at the time, though, so the party went into lockdown. The senator ordered me to look for his daughter, so I did. And I had the unfortunate job of finding her.”

I take a few more breaths, and Gwen doesn't say a word. She continues to lightly play with my hair, her other hand brushing over mine.

“Her bedroom door was locked. That was the first sign of trouble. I started to call to her to open the door, but there was no answer. Then I feared the worst, that there was someone else in there with her. I beat down the door and found her curled up on the floor…” The clamp around my throat tightens. “She was allergic to peanuts. Everything that day had been planned accordingly to avoid it, but somehow, she was exposed. They’re still not sure what happened. In fact, the family still believes there could have been foul play involved. Especially since her bedroom window was left open with no sign of Sarah trying to crawl out—” The image of her possibly trying to reach toward a window for help to no avail grips my gut. “She was—so small. And alone. They think she ate whatever caused the reaction once she was alone, and by the time she knew to call for help…”

Gwen gingerly swipes her thumb next to my eye. I hadn’t realized I was crying, but she wipes away the tears anyway.

“She died under my watch. They investigated, never found anything. Her father quit later that year. I transferred to foreign duty and never looked back. I knew them well…I didn’t want to know anyone’s family like that again. I couldn’t—fail like that again.”

I said it. The word that haunted me most days, and echoed into my nightmares. It was the first time I’ve ever said it out loud. Speaking it somehow gave me the strength to open my eyes, disregarding the fear of how Gwen would react.

What I see shocks me.

Gwen is looking at me with…reverence. Her eyes are brimming with tears that make the blue of them sparkle even in the dark. Looking at her makes me continue without another thought.

“I won’t fail you like that. I don’t want you to think that it’s a pattern—I want you to be able to trust me. I’ve never lost anyone else under—”

“Joel,” she breathes in disbelief. “I’m not thinking that. It…it makes me trust you more. Beyond that…” A few tears escape onto her cheeks. “Beyond that, I’m so sorry. You’ve been carrying that around, all this time, thinking you were at fault?”

“I am at fault.”

“It was an accident. A terrible, horrific accident that could happen to anyone.”

I shake my head. “Not necessarily. And they hired me to prevent that sort of thing. I didn’t. The least I can do is…remember it, so I don’t let anything like that happen again.”

Gwen purses her lips, looking down at our now joined hands. She doesn’t say anything for a few moments.

“When my mom died I barely slept for two weeks. I wanted to, but, that pain of… remembering every time I woke up?” Her voice is teetering between stable and strained, “It was too much to bear. I didn’t want to wake up and have those first ten seconds of peace before I remembered. It made me feel like I was going to forget her. It felt like I—” her voice breaks, and my hand squeezes her tighter, holding her to the present moment. “I felt like I failed her. If I forgot, even for a moment, I felt like I had failed.” She sniffles, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t know what it’s like to be in your position, but I know that feeling. And I also know, now, that it’s just that, a feeling. I feel like I failed her sometimes, but I didn’t. Just like you didn’t fail Sarah.”

I didn’t deserve it. Her words, her tears, the kindness she’s showing me and the gentleness of her touch. But if fate was going to offer me this beautiful woman’s grace and tenderness…Who was I to turn it away?

I sit up, thinking she’d drop her hand now, but she doesn’t. It still rests partially on my neck and partially on my cheek, now wet with tears. I grab our joined hands with my free one, looking at her thoughtful eyes.

“Thank you,” my voice is completely hoarse. “But I promise, I haven’t failed since. I don’t plan to fail you now.”

She shakes her head, her expression still pained. “You define failure so rigidly that you can’t see how much you’ve done. How successful you’ve been.”

I watch her, feeling confused as she wraps both of her arms around my neck, pulling me closer. I take a sharp inhale, my eyes closing again as she plays with the strands on my neck, coaxing me to relax.

“Successful?” I manage to ask in a whisper.

“Well…for one, I normally can’t stand to share a room with anyone. I barely sleep if there’s someone else in here with me. Now…” she hesitates, and I open my eyes again. She struggles, not to find the words, but to release them. “I find it difficult to sleep if you’re not here.”

Before I can think, I place my hands on her bare thighs, noticing her inhale as I drag her closer, so she’s sitting astride me. I draw a few circles on them before joining my hands behind her back, caging her close to me.

“And then I go and complicate things by talking in my sleep.” I say it as a joke, but she shakes her head again.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m…glad I was here.”

The crack in her voice pulls me forward without intention, and I press a light kiss to her forehead. She hums, one of her hands slipping into the back of my shirt.

“I’m glad you’re here, too.”

With that, she fully wraps her legs around me, pulling us chest to chest, and rests her head on my shoulder.

I’ve always had that protective instinct. It didn’t always matter who it was for. I just knew that I was put on the planet to protect, and to fight when necessary. But now, holding Gwen like this…there isn’t a single thing that could make me leave this spot. Not even if the world depended on it. Not if it meant giving up the sound of her heart regulating, growing more rhythmic against mine. Giving up the smell of her hair, and the feeling of her hands as they move up and start to play with the collar of my t-shirt. If it meant being with her, protecting her, I was invincible.

After a while, I run my hand up her spine, feeling my protectiveness turn to possession as she shivers a little under my touch.

“You must be tired,” I murmur.

She quickly shakes her head against my shoulder, mumbling something to indicate otherwise.

“You should go to bed.”

Almost imperceptibly, she tightens her legs around me. “I’m fine.”

I move my hands back to her thighs, and she sighs on my neck. “You’re always so stubborn.”

She rubs my neck with the tip of her nose, and embarrassingly, I shiver a little too. “Likewise.”

I find myself gripping her thighs tighter. “We should both go to bed.”

Ever so slightly, Gwen places a featherlight kiss to my neck. I groan instantly, trying to cover it up with a cough. She hears it though, because she hums proudly to herself, no doubt feeling the effect she has on me.

“It doesn’t seem like you want to go to bed,” her voice has dropped to an alluring pitch.

“What I want is to stop putting you in positions like this…”

“Hmm. What position would you like me in then?” Her finger trails down the other side of my neck.

Jesus Christ.

I let out a true groan now, my eyes drifting to the ceiling. “You know what I mean. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this.”

Now Gwen pulls back, locking her hooded eyes on mine. “When have you ever known me to do something I didn’t want to do?”

“Never.” All I can do is stare at her lips.

“So…” She leans forward, pressing a kiss to my chest through my t-shirt. “What makes you think I have to do this?” Her fingers skim under the hem, and she sighs again as she trails up the bare skin of my chest. “I’m the one who promised not to touch you again without your permission. If you want me to stop…” she pulls up my shirt, dipping down to leave an open-mouthed kiss on my torso, causing all the muscles underneath to clench. “Tell me to stop.”

Instinctively, I pull her forward by her thighs, providing friction for the both of us. She gasps, and her face changes into that same frustrated and aroused expression. It’s enough of a sign for her to lift my shirt up even more, and I can’t resist helping her remove it entirely.

“Mmm,” Gwen presses her lips together, eyes glazing over as she runs her hands up and down my chest. I lean back against the couch, happy to let her explore for as long as she likes. My hands are still kneading her thighs as she kisses every square inch she can see. Her soft lips are like caffeine, speeding up my heart with every touch. My chest is rising and falling at a shallow, rapid pace, and it nearly stops when her fingers graze under the band of my pants.

She leisurely strokes her hand back and forth, teasing me. She smirks, raising her head up so that our mouths are inches apart.

“I’m guessing I’m still not allowed to kiss you,” she whispers, her breath heating the tip of my lips.

I shake my head. “I want to…but I wouldn’t be able to recover. I would need more.”

“More?” she arches a brow, her delicate hand brushing over my aching cock through my pants.

I grunt. Loudly.

It was pathetic, really, how one touch could electrocute my senses. But I’m past the point of caring.

“More of this?” she asks innocently, stroking me again. Devil, devil woman.

Through the haze, I grab her chin with my hand, forcing her to look at me. “Yes,” I hiss. “But more than just that. I would need you to be mine. Only mine.” Her eyes widen, and her breath hitches as she takes in my meaning. I take the opportunity to jut her hips forward again, causing her to whimper.

“I don’t do casual, Gwen. When you kiss me, you need to know that.” Her eyes sparkle with fondness at the mention of her name, and her cheeks flush deeply with realization.

Keeping her eyes on mine, she leans forward and presses another kiss in the center of my chest. “Well…if I can’t kiss you there,” she gently pulls on my lip with her thumb. “I guess I’ll have to make do.” She starts to kiss my lower abdomen, and my head falls back again.

I know it’s wrong. So wrong. I’m never supposed to be emotionally involved with a client, and here I am thinking the sky itself might collapse if she doesn’t touch me where I need her most. Those pretty fingers dip back into my waistband, and I suck in a breath. It feels like she’s been teasing me for hours when she slides off of my lap and onto the floor in front of the couch.

“Gwen,” my voice is a husky command, “No.”

She shimmies my pants down an inch or two. “You want me to stop?” She waits, her blue eyes full of both wanting and concern.

“This should be about you.” I answer, not knowing if her lips on me will do more damage than kissing ever could.

“It is,” she smirks, “I like seeing you squirm.”

I help her remove my pants, tossing them to the side. I nearly lose all my ability to speak when she reaches for one of the pillows and tucks it under her knees. “I’m not squirming.” I manage to huff.

Gwen glides a hand over the front of my boxers, and I—

“Fuck,” my head falls back again.

And then she giggles, and I know I’m done for. I’m as hard as rock before she even takes me out of my boxers. I notice her freeze as she does so, and I peek down at her. Her eyes have grown wide, if only for a moment. I feel a small wave of arrogance, being bigger than she must have expected.

“You don’t,” I take another deep breath, eyes on her perfectly manicured hand just an inch away from me, “You don’t have to.”

“Like I said,” she leans forward on her knees, grabbing my base tight enough that my mouth hangs open, “When have I ever done something I didn’t want to do?”

And then her tongue is on me, and my vision goes white.

It takes both of her hands to wrap around me as her tongue works vicious circles on the head, and I’m already fisting the sheet next to me, willing myself to keep it together just a little bit longer.

Then, she takes me in deeper, and I can’t downplay what I’m feeling anymore.

“Fuck, Gwen,” I groan, way louder than I should. “Oh, that feels good, sweetheart.” This makes her hum in approval around my cock, only making me throb harder. I thread my hand through her hair, careful not to push her any further than she can go.

I want to close my eyes, to focus solely on the sensation. But I can’t bear to tear away from how incredible she looks in front of me. Never, never in my wildest dreams did I think that Gwen would ever do this for me. That I would ever have the honor of seeing her like this, or that it would feel this fucking good. And I can’t stop telling her.

“God, you take me so well.”

Her eyes smile back at me when her mouth can’t. She takes me even deeper, and I grunt, my jaw clenching to hold on just a little longer. I can’t help my head lolling back against the couch again. She let’s go of me with a pop, before licking all the way from base to the tip. Then she freezes, and I’m compelled to look at her again.

“Eyes on me,” her voice is full of honey and venom, repeating my words back to me.

“Yes, ma’am.” I heave out a laugh before it turns into a borderline whimper as she keeps eye contact with me and fits nearly all of me down her perfect throat.

“So pretty,” I grasp the back of her head again, the softness of her hair filling my already overflowing senses. “That’s it…oh, baby I’m close.”

And like the devilish blessing she is, she winks at me. I’m practically panting at this point. “Please, Gwen, I’m gonna, I need to—”

She takes me out only momentarily to breathe, “Let me taste it.”

Fuck. Me.

She goes in on me with a fever, and I wouldn’t be able to hold back if I had all the will in the world. I let go with one last groan, and Gwen doesn’t stop working her mouth on me until I physically push her arm away, unable to take the sensation any longer. She grins, licking the corner of her mouth.

“You’re…” I’m still trying desperately to recover my breath. “Incredible.” I run my hands up and down her arms, trying to soothe myself more than anything.

“That oughta teach you not to tease me.” She leans forward to press another kiss to my stomach, and I shudder still under her lips.

“Teach me to do it more often, more like. C’mere.” I pull her back on top of me, curious to see just how much this has worked her up.

She obliges, climbing back on top but shaking her head. “We should sleep now.”

My face falls. “What?”

She giggles again, and I pull her tighter to me. “I was just repaying you for last night.”

I shake my head rapidly. “No way. It doesn't work like that.” I slide my hands around to her backside, squeezing and pulling her hips harder against me. She sighs, her eyes fluttering for a moment. I lean into her ear to drive my point home. “I want to see you come again.”

Gwen steadies her breathing for a second before replying. “Maybe another time,” she whispers in my ear before getting up. I’m in disbelief still, even as she keeps holding my hand, dragging me up and over to her bed with her. “For now though, you could do me and your back a favor and sleep over here.”

I raise an eyebrow at her. “My back?”

“The couch can’t be good for it. Especially at your age…” She plops down on the bed, her eyes taking in the new angle of my naked body. I wonder if it’s possible to already get hard again.

“My age?”

“Mhm.”

“Is my age a problem?” I get in on the other side of the bed, crawling so that I’m hovering over her.

“Not at all,” her eyes are far too innocent, “I thought you knew I liked antiques.”

I laugh, lightly tickling her stomach through her shirt, making her laugh along with me. “Disrespectful, Miss Russell.”

“I said I liked them,” she’s still laughing, and I hope she never stops. “That’s not disrespectful.”

I simply huff as I settle in next to her, pulling the covers over her bare legs. She quickly wraps her cold leg around mine, shifting on her side to look at me. I push a strand of hair away from her face, and she closes her eyes. I’ve never considered myself a particularly lucky man. If anything, it was the opposite. But as her breathing becomes more relaxed and involuntary, and I get to lay this close to her, still twirling a strand of her hair in between my fingers…luck isn’t a strong enough word.

Next Chapter

Previous chapter

Masterlist

[balanceoflightanddark]

Monsters We Create Chapter 20 Update

Apologies for the delay. Again. I...broke my foot and it took me a while to get myself together. That and I'm going on vacation to Alaska next weekend so...yeah.

But I do have Chapter 20, which is roughly about 50% done. Maybe. So to hold everyone in the meantime, here's a little snippet of the chapter as a sort of appetizer. Forgive me if it's a little rough.

They walked a good distance away from the war tent. Yet not once did Kori let her guard down. Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee. Three names she had a lot of good reason to be wary of. One was the Fire Lord, obviously. It wasn’t too long ago when he nearly got Yu Dao destroyed out of his own stupidity. The other two? She could understand Azula being difficult, yet to turn their backs so suddenly and completely was beyond her.

When they came to an abandoned training ground, Zuko turned around. “Alright. We’re here.”

“If you think you can get me to stab a knife in Azula’s back-”

“Listen! I’m not here to talk about Azula. At all. I meant it when I said she’s going around unbound. It’s just…well, you know how she is! I can’t trust her with all these rogue armies running around. Somebody’s got to keep tabs on her,” Zuko explained.

“Besides, we’ve got Mai here if Azula needs some knives thrown at - OW!” Ty Lee rubbed her arm after Mai gave her a swift and rather hard elbow.

Zuko simply sighed from their little spat. “The point is, if you can keep Azula in check, that’s great. I only have the guards there so it can keep those generals off my back. And hers. They wanted her thrown back into that asylum.”

“You could’ve just told her that, but whatever,” Kori muttered. It amazed her. He says that he wants to do good, but then has some secret or leaves some lasting remark that invalidates it. No wonder he and Azula were so dysfunctional. Seemed like the only way they could even interact was through backstabbing, betrayals, and fighting. If this was what they were like when they were allies, she didn’t want to see how they were when the pleasantries failed and fire was being thrown.

Agni help her no fire was thrown today yet. She certainly didn’t see it in the Fire Lord’s eyes right now. They were…well, dull. His shoulders were a bit slumped. It was as if he aged a few years in the span of a few days.

“Can we forget Azula for a few minutes? It’s not why I called you out here.” Zuko swallowed as he collected himself. “I know you’re part of that movement the assassination attempt came from. Your father talked quite a bit about what you’ve been up to.”

“I assure you, our movement was to protest and prevent innocents from being harassed by Fire Nation guards! None of us had any intention of murdering anybody!” Kori still couldn’t believe it. Who’d be stupid enough to make an attempt on the Fire Lord’s life? She wasn’t a fan of his either, but nothing he did indicated he was personally overseeing what was going on in Yu Dao. A bit ignorant and heavy handed, but not responsible. It’s one thing if he stepped in personally and started threatening people.

Yet an attempt at his life without any solid reason for? That was inviting for the army to come in and stomp on their movement. Who knew how many civilians would be caught in such an escalation?

“I know. It’s why I want you to look into it.”

Kori, out of surprise or bafflement, let Zuko continue. “I get it. The Fire Nation hasn’t done Yu Dao much good. I’d even wager you and your people have done more for the benefit of this city in a few months than my country has for over a hundred years.” His eyes went downward for a moment, as he swallowed a lump in his throat.

Yet it only lasted for a moment before he took another breath. “Figure out what’s going on and who sent that kill order. I’ll do things on my end with the assassin. Maybe together we can bring whoever did this to justice.”

The rebel wasn’t sure what to say. It sounded too good to be true. Indeed, after running his proposal through her head, she saw the problem. “I appreciate the offer, Fire Lord. But as long as that captain and his thugs roam the streets, there’s only going to be more violence. Whoever’s doing this wouldn’t be able to get away with it if the guards didn’t build this pyre of theirs.”

“They will be brought to justice,” Zuko responded. “I’m going to try and override this curfew and get a tighter leash on the officers. If you can work on your end and help me bring this mastermind down, that’ll give them less incentive to crack down on your people.”

When he ended, he once again remained silent and waited for her response. Mai and Ty Lee stood on the sidelines watching the whole thing, giving Kori more eyes that were on her. Truth be told, she still couldn’t trust him. Who could? Everyone said he had the hallmarks of his father right down to how he ascended to the throne. And who could say they bring peace when they wear a crown drenched in blood.

Yet he didn’t wear the crown now. No grandeur. Nothing. He was baring his true intentions out to her. If nothing else, she could trust that. “Alright. All I can say is there might be some Fiery Raptors within their ranks.”

Ty Lee snorted. “Of course, Azula would pull something like that.”

“It’s not what you think,” Kori interrupted, making sure they all had her attention. “I wanted some people to back us up in the protests in case things got violent. She offered to have some of her men to back us up and I said yes.”

“Can’t say I blame you there. You go up against soldiers, you’re going to need some muscle.”

“Who’s side are you on?!” Ty Lee yelled at Mai, her frustration with her reaching a boiling point.

The emotionless girl just gave a noncommittal shrug. “I’m just saying it as it is. From what I’ve heard, the Mayor hasn’t exactly done a good job of keeping the peace on his end. Can’t blame Azula for taking advantage of something that was already there. We certainly did.” Ty Lee promptly shut up from Mai’s assessment, looking a bit downcast herself.

Kori also had a harsh truth slapped in her face. Her father. Mayor Morishita, the one most responsible for Yu Dao’s woes. He’s the one who ultimately had control of the garrison and determined who was in charge. If it weren’t for him, that captain and his goons probably wouldn’t be able to run rampant and bully the citizens into submission.

Still, it was a hard truth to swallow. Needless to say, his actions were part of the reason her mother left a long time ago. True, she made her peace with it when she saw what her father’s cronies were willing to do. Yet it still hurt too much to ignore.

Something that Zuko noticed. “You know your father’s going to have to go on trial for what he’s done. Right?”

Forcing down her queasiness, Kori crossed her arms and tried not to look like she was hugging herself. “I understand.”

“Good.” Then, the Fire Lord did something rather unexpected. He walked up and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. It was…surprisingly warm. Kori wasn’t sure what to make of it before she saw the scar on his face. Seemed as though she wasn’t the only one who had issues with her parents.

A similar story was told with Mai and Ty Lee, who gazed at her with soft eyes. Kori wondered: what was it about the Fire Nation that equaled parental issues? She had her father. The girls had their parents. Agni help Azula and Zuko for getting stuck with Ozai as a father.

Azula.

“Before I agree to this, there’s something you need to promise me,” Kori declared.

Zuko looked a bit surprised but then gave an uneasy nod. Having got his attention, the rebel dropped the ultimatum. “Give Azula a chance. Stop treating her like she’s the worst thing in the world. And stop treating her like a bomb about to go off.”

“...you know I can’t do that,” he admitted with pain in his voice.

Yet Kori stood her ground. “Nobody’s asking you to forget. I’m simply stating that if you want this thing to work out, you need to uphold your end. That means no threats. No harassments. No lies. And no dangling her over a cliff. Got it?”

He shuddered when she threw out that last demand, but that didn’t soften her glare. Especially when she saw Mai and Ty Lee paralyzed in shock. Oh yeah. Azula told her about his little stunt that almost got him killed. She didn’t care if it was a low blow or not. If it meant he wouldn’t pull the same garbage twice, then so much is the better.

As for Zuko, he didn’t say anything for white seemed like an eternity. Then he gave a defeated nod and said, “Alright. As long as she isn’t a problem.”

Satisfied, Kori turned to rejoin her friends. Since that’s what friends do after all. Though not before she said one last thing. “I do mean it. You try anything without any incentive…just remember what happened with Godzilla. It won’t end well.”

And so she left, leaving the trio behind. Truth be told, she didn’t enjoy having to lay out the cold truth. Yet Zuko struck her as somebody who needed to be slapped in the face and have a rock hammering into his skull in order to get the point across. Agni knows how many of those blockheads she had to put up with growing up.

Mentally she kicked herself for having to go from one blockhead to ANOTHER blockhead. If there was one thing Azula and her brother had in common, it was digging in and covering their ears when they didn’t want whatever ideas they had in their head to be challenged. Sort of made things a bit depressing that it took a kaiju of all things to get them to cooperate.

Let’s just hope they haven’t killed each other by the end of this, Kori prayed.

[dearfizz]

Not So Shoujo Love Story Hanna Characterisation in Ep 91

it's the explosion episode

spoilers until ep 103. I also gush and compliment @curryukuu 's writing in this. She isn't active on tumblr as much anymore but if she sees this, hi.

Re-reading this episode makes me focus a lot more on Hanna's pov instead of the explosion. Hanna was distancing herself from Rei. There is a canon explanation now in ep 103 where Hanna said that she was jealous and felt inferior and that she wasn't good enough. BUT I HAVE MY OWN INTERPRETATION.

Hanna's dialogue in ep 103

TO ME, she wanted to abandon feelings of Rei. I know it's very unlike Hanna because she loves Rei so so so much, BUT HEAR ME OUT (if there's anyone out there reading this)

She's been chasing Rei for like a season and a half by now. In season 2, Rei's a lot more responsive to Hanna's flirting (it was so much insufferable good lord I felt like a third wheeler read their interaction sometimes).

(weird basketball(?) analogy here) The ball has kinda just stayed in her court since FOREVER. Like I know that Rei said that she cannot return Hanna's romantic feelings. The ball her is Hanna's feelings btw and it's just... been there. Rei doesn't mind that Hanna has been romantically interested in her since ep 1. Heck, she doesn't even mind advances and flirting from Hanna. HOWEVER, as of S2 Rei has only been toying with it. Rei is literally flirting back with Hanna. Both unintentionally and intentionally. I'm sure Hanna's aware of whatever, not platonic tension, both of them have. But Rei not passing the ball back after all of that toying IS a move in of itself.

At this point, Rei is STILL holding on to her comphet version of love. (idk if their sexuality have been canonized, but Rei is so lesbian to me. It really makes sense to me thematically, but if Rei is canon as bi I would respect that. I would keep the idea of Lesbian Rei to myself). Shoujo mangas really was a trauma coping mechanism. That in turned, really made her have internalised comphet. The whole point of her trying to find the perfect guy was because she didn't want to end up like her parents. It's so hard to throw away something that was literally your will to live (I assume) for, like, what a decade of your life?

So after Hanna's visit to her house, she finally gets why Rei's not passing the ball back. At that bridge, I'm pretty sure she's convinced a romantic relationship is never going to come out of it. Ever. For Hanna, it's better to just pack your back, distance yourself, and move on. If I was Hanna, I would have literally done the same. Like, just imagine. Your girl is really REALLY adamant in finding the perfect guy. And you're not a guy. There is no point in any of this flirting and advances anymore. It's better to leave those feelings behind. It's just. Not meant to be. That's how life is in reality.

IF this story is a lot more realistic, Rei would have confronted Hanna about why Hanna's distancing herself from her. Let's just say that MY interpretation of why Hanna is actually canon. Rei would respect Hanna's wishes of wanting to be distant with her. Rei and Hanna would be physically and emotionally apart. This is the period where Rei reflects and realizes that hey, I want Hanna in my life. And in a romantic way. Throw in some angst in there. Then Rei would confess to Hanna. Boom they get together. Idk how this would turn out with the Canon reason, but I think it would be roughly the same?

BUT THIS STORY IS A FEVER DREAM, AND I LOVE NSSLS STORY BECAUSE OF THAT

Did you check nssls tag on webtoon? It's COMEDY. Not romance (even though it's very romcom to me). There shall not be long-lasting angst. Nuh uh. Not in this household. So curryuku does what curryuku does best. Cook up an unhinged plotline.

Alien world domination plot is now REAL and CANON from ep 92 - 102. Rei got Isekai-ed and is thrown into a world that she has been wanting and dreaming for so long. A world where she can chase and pine for the perfect, handsomest guy. A world where she has a perfect family. But she realizes that this isn't what she wanted. She wanted her friend's back. She wanted Taro back. But most importantly

she realizes she wants Hanna.

More than that perfect, handsomest guy that she's been dreaming of. That plotline did exactly just that. It achieves the same thing as my small reality au paragraph does. But in its own unique.

The Rei Isekai-ed episodes really felt like curryuku was holding me by the scruff. THE ABSOLUTE CHOKEHOLD IT HAS ON ME. No plot line in that comic, heck even media, has ever had that effect on me. Life LITERALLY stopped for like 5 min every Tuesday for me. Idc if I have class going on rn I'm going to read it in class (I'm in architecture, and the class is just consultation. The lecturer really isn't teaching anything it's a 1-1 thing). It had me on the edge of my seat. It had me crying and screaming. LIKE LOOK AT THIS PANEL.

That's honestly so much better than a love confession imo. It was so sweet it made me sick. My friends are SO sick of me talking about nssls for like 2 months ish. The only complaint I had was that I just wish the arc had lasted more than 10 episodes. But I really don't mind that much.

Idk how to end this. Curryuku, your brain is so fascinating. Thank you for producing nssls. Seriously. I might get a nssls tattoo.

[averysmolbear]

CW: Say hello to ✨self indulgence✨! This is all selfship. Feel free to not interact if that’s not your thing. This is about an existing relationship and it will be smutty. And yes, it includes a m/f dynamic. Prepare going forward for pet names (like princess, babe, etc), vaginal fingering, some praise, edging (although slightly unintentional), public sexual acts, and squint and you could say there’s some soft dom Reiner in here. I may have missed a tag and for that I apologize and I’ll happily add anything that seems appropriate. This is absolutely not proofread and I’m still regaining my confidence in writing smut so it might not be as descriptive as it could be. If you read past this lengthy bit, I appreciate you for letting me indulge a bit in my selfship.

Reiner mentioned while we were getting ready to meet friends for dinner that he wanted to try something new tonight. That, of course, piqued my curiosity. He was always so thoughtful about this sort of thing and this was no exception.

“Babe, what do you think?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind as I finished doing my makeup.

We locked eyes in the mirror and I could see that excited look in his honeyed eyes. And of course it was mirrored by my own as I nodded my head, not trusting myself to actually speak. His suggestion of us doing something in public, although he hadn’t explained what it was quite yet, was exciting.

Reiner smiled softly before pressing soft kisses along the side of my neck, nuzzling my neck. His facial hair scratched and tickled my skin, making me laugh as I playfully nudged him away.

“You’re going to make us late,” I said, almost whining out the words when I felt Reiner gently bite down on my shoulder. “Rei!”

He laughed as he stood up straighter, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. “I’m only keeping my hands to myself now because you’re going to be in for it at the restaurant.”

He walked out, leaving me staring at this retreating figure with my jaw hanging open and my eyes wide. Already my brain was conjuring up ideas on what Reiner had in mind and all of these ideas already had my knees growing weak. I took a deep breath, finishing up and heading for the living room.

Reiner looked back at me, lazily turning his head. He let out a low whistle as if he hadn’t watched me pick out the dress I was wearing. His aim was, of course, to make me blush and it was no surprise when my cheeks started to flush a light pink as I tried to confidently walk to the door.

“Let’s go,” I called out over my shoulder. “Our friends are waiting.” My voice didn’t waver like I thought it might. I didn’t look back but I could hear Reiner following after me.

It took him no time at all to fall into step beside me, his long legs able to cover the short distance in no time at all. He grabbed for his keys on the table beside the door, his left hand free to come to rest on the small of my back.

The car ride to the restaurant was tense but only because I didn’t know what was yet to come. Reiner, as always, rested a hand on my thigh as he drove. He had gotten quite adept at driving with one hand actually. His thumb gently stroked the soft skin of my inner thigh but he kept the touch innocent enough. The problem was that all I felt was pent up anticipation so my whole body shivered each time his thumb moved.

Reiner laughed softly, glancing over at me as he found a place to park by the restaurant. “Relax, princess,” he said soothingly, squeezing my thigh. “We’re not even inside yet and already your trembling for me. I bet you’re even soaking through those pretty panties you’ve got on. Aren’t you?”

Biting my lip, I tried to glare at Reiner but it was no use. He wasn’t wrong in his assessment after all. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger, as always, and he was enjoying it. Still I manage a huff of annoyance, earning another laugh from the blond man.

We entered the restaurant to find Porco and Pieck waiting for us, the host seating us at our table shortly after Reiner and I arrived. Reiner made sure I sat on his right, which would keep the lower half of my body pretty well shielded from anyone’s view except for him. Already I could feel a fluttering in my stomach but he didn’t try anything yet, just resting his hand on my thigh with his fingers just barely slipping under the hem of my dress.

We started chatting a little about things, with Reiner going on and on about how proud he was that I had sent out a finished manuscript for a novel I had been working on to several literary agents.

I felt my face flush as I shyly shrugged at the praise from my boyfriend and the praise that was quickly added on by our friends. Reiner leaned in to kiss just below my ear and softly whispered to me even as Porco continued chatting about work.

“You’re going to make sure you don’t move and don’t let them know what I’m doing to you, okay? I need you to stay quiet, princess, and maybe I’ll reward you by taking you to the restroom to fuck you there.”

I looked over at him with slightly widened eyes as his fingers slid higher. My body acted almost instantly, my legs spreading just a bit to allow him the access I knew he desired. He laughed, the sound just a soft rumble in his chest as I swallowed hard, taking a deep breath as his fingers slowly dipped into my panties.

The waitress stopped at our table and I barely trusted my voice to order my drink but I manage nonetheless even as Reiner’s middle finger gently stroked the folds of my pussy. He had the hint of a smug smile starting to tug at the corners of his lips as he glanced at me from the corner of his eye.

I take a deep, almost shuddering breath as Reiner pushed two fingers into me. I shifted a little in my chair and cleared my throat while Reiner was suppressing a laugh.

“You okay?” Porco asked.

Reiner was quick to respond, thank goodness, because I didn’t think I could form a coherent sentence as he started to slowly pump his fingers in and out of me. And he was acting like nothing was happening, so much calmer than I was sure I was being.

“She had a bit of a headache before we left,” Reiner explained. He smiled and shrugged one shoulder quickly but his fingers didn’t stop their movements as he spoke. “I told her we could stay home but she insisted. I don’t think the meds she took have kicked in yet.”

And somehow Porco and Pieck accepted what Reiner said as fact. Maybe he was being that convincing or maybe I just came across like I had a headache. The truth was that I wasn’t processing much that wasn’t Reiner’s fingers as he crooked his fingers inside me to hit that sweet spot.

I grabbed his wrist and squeezed as I felt myself getting close. The waitress arrived with our drinks and asked if we were ready to order. Reiner didn’t skip a beat, his fingers still working my core as he ordered for both of us.

Lucky for me, I get anxious before going to a new restaurant and I looked up the menu for this one the night before. I had even mentioned in passing what I thought I would order and of course Reiner remembered what I had picked. Which came in handy because I was sure if I opened my mouth, I would have let out a whimper. In fact, I had no idea how I had been this quiet for this long already.

I squeezed Reiner’s wrist again and I knew he had to be able to feel how close I was. To my surprise (and disappointment), he slowly pulled his fingers out but didn’t push them back in. Instead he wiped his fingers on the cloth napkin on his lap. I frowned as he turned his head to look over at me.

“Later, princess,” he whispered against my lips as he kissed me softly.

I had to suppress a whine that seemed to threaten to spill out but I knew he had stopped with good reason. I didn’t think I would have been able to stay quiet much longer after all. And although I remained quiet for a bit longer, soon we were all chatting and generally enjoying each other’s company.

After Porco and Reiner fought over who would pay the bill, something Pieck and I laughed about, they settled on splitting it. We all walked to the parking lot together, saying our goodbyes. Reiner, however, nearly trapped me against the passenger side door.

“When you get in the car, take your panties off,” he harshly whispered in my ear before opening the door for me.

I slipped into the car and waited for the door to close before doing what he had asked of me. Reiner got into the car and took my panties, a cute lacy pair I wore because he had seemed to like seeing them on me, and he hooked them over the rear view mirror like some kind of decoration.

The windows of the car were heavily tinted, or at least tinted well enough that I knew full well no one could see into the car. Reiner started the car and glanced over to me with a smirk. Before even pulling out of the parking space, he gripped my hip and tugged me towards him. When he kissed me, it was like he was a man starved, an all consuming kiss that had me breathless by the time he pulled back.

“Pull up that dress some,” Reiner said. His voice, impossible as it seemed, sounded deeper and rougher. “I want to see that pretty pussy of yours.”

I swallowed hard but nodded, shifting in the seat to do as I was told. I was feeling rather compliant tonight although it probably had more to do with the way Reiner had left me feeling unsatisfied in the restaurant earlier. His hand came to rest on my thigh after he pulled out of the parking spot. He liked to drive with a hand on my thigh so he was an expert at this point at driving one handed. It was whether or not he would be able to tease me (or whatever it seemed he had planned for me) while still focusing on the road.

Reiner growled softly as his fingers stroked slowly and deliberately, spreading the wetness that he found there around and making me even wetter in the process. My eyes fluttered closed but as we eased to a stop at a red light, he stopped his gentle teasing to grip my chin and turn my head toward him. My eyes snapped open, focused on the intense golden eyes staring back at me.

"Eyes open and on me," he roughly said. His gazed drifted back to the road as the light changed. "If I look over again and see your eyes closed, I won't let you come until we get home."

I nodded, sighing as his finger lazily began to circle my clit for a moment. My hips bucked up only slightly and Reiner was chuckling darkly, his fingers back to exploring as I whined. I didn't look away or close my eyes though, watching as Reiner would glance over at me whenever he could.

His fingers easily slipped inside of me and I had to work so hard to keep my eyes open, my head lolling to the side for a moment. He let his two fingers rest there for a moment before he started to pump them in and out, the movements slow but steady. I sighed as if I had been waiting for days to feel his fingers inside of me. If I had been aware of anything other than what Reiner was doing to me, I probably would have been surprised at the level of self control Reiner was showing right now. The way he was splitting his focus was nothing short of incredible but the only thing my mind could process was the pleasure I was feeling.

The pace continued and it soon became downright excruciating but my whimpers and moans were all that Reiner was focused on. His goal was to make me feel good and he was succeeding. I hadn't noticed how close we were to home until he turned his head toward me, giving me his undivided attention while we waited at a red light to turn. I tried to focus on where we were and was only vaguely aware that we would be home soon.

But that knowledge had Reiner working even harder to push me right over the edge. His pace increased, causing my back to arch gently off of the seat. My thighs were shaking as I clawed at the seat a bit. Keeping my eyes on my boyfriend was growing more and more difficult as the pleasure built like a coil in my belly waiting to snap.

The light changed and Reiner made the final turn; we were a stop light away from home and he was making it his mission to make me come undone for him before he parked the car at home. I was panting and whimpering as I wriggled a little in the seat while Reiner kept up a pace that would soon have me crying out his name.

"That's it, baby," he cooed with a self-satisfied smirk on his lips. He wasn't even looking directly at me but he knew just what he was doing to me anyway. He could feel it each time he thrust his fingers inside of me, the way I was tightening around them. "Get nice and loud for me."

"S-so close ..." My hips started to move to meet his pace and when Reiner shifted the position of his hand ever so slightly, it was enough for him to get even deeper.

"It's okay, princess," Reiner said, his voice dangerously soft and rough. He crooked his fingers, aiming for that sweet spot and he knew he had hit it when my walls tightened around his fingers and I started to moan his name over and over. "That's it. Come for me."

My breathing was shaky as Reiner made sure that I fully rode out the wave of pleasure. When my moans became soft whines and I started to wiggle a little in the seat, his fingers slowed to a stop. I still was so unaware of anything but the dizzying pleasure Reiner had just made me feel so I didn't notice that the car had come to a stop.

He pulled his fingers out of me slowly as I let out a whimpering sigh, my eyes fluttering softly. He put the car in park and shut it off, watching as I tried to catch my breath. He made sure I was watching as he licked some of the wetness off of his fingers, groaning as he got a taste of me.

"You look so pretty like this," Reiner said with a soft laugh. He reached out with his left hand to brush some hair away from my forehead. "Now open your mouth for me, love."

When I did, he slid his fingers into my mouth. I didn't hesitate to suck on them, my tongue pushing between his two fingers to clean them completely for him. Reiner groaned and it was his turn to have difficulty keeping his eyes focused on my face. He slowly eased his fingers out of my mouth with a lazy grin, finally turning away from me to unlock the doors.

"I'm not done with you yet."

I whimpered as I watched him get out of the car, waiting as he opened the passenger side for me. He helped me out of the car and my legs wobbled a little. A couple of deep breaths later and I was able to walk, knowing that we probably wouldn't even make it to the bedroom tonight.

[the-new-hip-priest]

A long post wherein I recount my experience at a Limp Bizkit show and get increasingly emotional about the power of live shows and their resulting memories as a coping mechanism for deep depression.

Wednesday night was honestly the most fun I've had in several years. It was full of childlike glee and giddiness and excitement. And sweat. Lots of sweat. I knew that I'd have a blast, having already seen them back in 2012, but this time Limp Bizkit put on one of the best, engaging live shows I've ever seen. It was a big, bouncing nu-metal party and the atmosphere was electric. Everyone in attendance was there to have a good time. No fighting, no dickheads, no munted macho bullshit, just roughly 1000 people ready to party like it's still 1999.

The opening act was HANABIE., an all-female Japanese "metalcore" band, but calling them metalcore feels reductive because they incorporate so many different elements into their sound (electronica/hip-hop/punk/nu-metal as well as Harajuku culture). I really want to gush about them but I'd just end up regurgitating the entire wikipedia article. Their energy was so contagious and the crowd was equally keen and receptive. There was even a circle pit during We Love Sweets which I couldn't help but join. I got a gentle accidental elbow in the face, and slipped on some empty drink cans but got picked up immediately. In a matter of thirty minutes I was already drenched and forming my first bruises.

As for Limp Bizkit, I've been writing and deleting and re-writing and re-deleting this paragraph since Thursday morning. I can't find the words. From a distance, watching myself get all emotional about this band in particular is actually hilarious. My thoughts are so muddled but I've realised that I've been so touched by this concert because they made me feel like a kid again. I've been lucky enough to see some of my other all-time favourite bands live - highly regarded and renowned performers, but I wasn't listening to Nine Inch Nails or The Fall or Radiohead when I was eight years old, so they can't evoke the same emotions.

I fangirled and flapped when Wes came on stage and as soon as they opened with My Generation, I was overcome with such a powerful, innocent euphoria that kept me jumping and screaming all night long. I'm struggling to describe it because I didn't think I was capable of feeling that sort of natural high ever again - I thought I had destroyed my capacity for pure pleasure through drug use in my 20s. Yet here I was, utterly jubilant and energetic, one row back from the barrier directly in front of possibly my favourite guitarist of all time. Fred chatted a lot with the crowd (I uncharacteristically gushed and giggled like a school girl when he was talking to us down the front), and a surprising amount of mens underwear got thrown on stage. They did a fun transition from Rollin' into Raw Hide, covered Killing In The Name, did a big sing-along of Careless Whisper, and even played Re-Arranged which was a nice surprise. I would have loved for them to play Out Of Style, but I understand people want to hear the old stuff. The atmosphere was non-stop fun from the opening note until the end of Don't You Forget About Me which they play as they leave the stage.

I had been hoping to have some sort of acknowledgement or interaction with Wes, like catching one of the roses that he throws into the audience. Given that I was at the front, I took a shot during a quiet moment between songs and yelled out "Hey Wes, wish Alie [his fiancee] a late happy birthday from me!" and he walked straight over to me and threw me his pick! Achievement unlocked! I reacted like a QTE and almost burst into tears when I realised I caught it. Almost. I didn't want to fuck up my fancy makeup and contact lenses. As my partner pointed out, most of the roses had been torn to shreds by the end of the show, but I got a personalised treasure to hold on to. I've kept it close to me ever since (and played my own guitars with it, naturally). It's like he gave me a little talisman of hope and happiness and I really need something like that right now. December is always a hard time of year for me. On top of that, I've been feeling so incredibly bleak about the future and sometimes find myself making certain plans in the back of my mind. But this silly little bit of plastic with a picture of Lisa Vanderpump with a beer bong labelled Borland/Wes' Baphomet logo on it makes me feel like I can keep going. Like I want to keep going in spite of my fear and my pain. I almost feel a tongue-in-cheek sense of resentment, like, "how dare one of my favourite musicians inspire some sense of hope in me during such a tough time?"

Someone filmed the entire show and I am eternally grateful to them. I can giggle at my own distinctive cheering early in the set. I can watch Fred's playful shenanigans with the front row. I can see my interaction with Wes. I can remember. There are times when it feels like the last ounce of hope has left your body, and it causes you to forget. You no longer feel capable of caring, so you simply forget how much you love music and comedy and every other little thing that makes life worth living. That's why I have a big folder sleeve filled with physical memories that I can turn to, full of ticket stubs and entry wristbands and the like so I have something tangible to tie back to my experiences. I've got some drumsticks and a NIN setlist as well. Having the means of reliving those moments is an invaluable tool when fighting major depressive episodes. I will sit there and carefully examine each piece and something will stir inside of me. It could be the faintest echo of a feeling, but it will come, and it will remind me that life is worth fighting for.

[ask-lily-curo]

America Breaks Up With Britain Modern AU That I Did For APUSH

Words: 0.6k Started: August 25, 2023 Finished: August 28, 2023 Summary: Britain has been incredibly controlling toward America, they decide they've had enough. Based on IRL Britain and America's relationship until just before the American Revolution. A/N: Yall asked for it, here's the break up letter I turned in for an actual assignment. I think I only got one point off because of a small format thing or something but don't worry I got 50 points extra credit for reading it out loud (Note: I had to be dramatic about it for my own sake and poured water into my eyes and started reading/improvising due to the fact I couldn't read my paper very very dramatically). For those wondering, I know almost nothing about Hetalia and would like to keep it that way.

Ok Bri, we need to talk. I legit can’t handle you anymore, you are SO controlling. Ever since you decided we shouldn’t be long distance anymore, you’ve been so jealous of me just interacting with other people. I was gonna hang out with you more anyway, I wasn’t gonna leave you for Spain or something! We were just gonna trade some food and clothes or something, I wouldn’t know because I’m not allowed to see him! And you know how much I love buying such things, I’m doing it for the products not the guy!

And I know you hate France but don’t bring me into your petty squabble! How was I supposed to know my neighbors were besties with him, they pissed me off first and you knew that! When you supported me during my fight with them over which part of our backyard belonged to who, I thought, “Wow, I’m so lucky to have a guy like you” and then you went and told me not to act up again! Are you kidding me?! I’m not a child, so why are you telling me not to even use the land I just earned lest I “disturb my neighbors and get in another fight that you have to clean up.” You didn’t even have to do that!

Not only that, you keep using it as an excuse to leech off my paycheck, MY paycheck. I won’t lie, I knew we started dating so you could get a quick buck off me after you heard Spain get rich from dating my sister, but I thought we had something! Remember when you were visiting and told me all those wonderful ideas you heard from the people in Europe City (yeah I still remember your hometown, bet you don’t even remember my favorite book and even if you did, I’m sure you couldn’t read it), those inspired me! They made me think about myself and reminded me of a memory years ago when we were still long distance and I was chilling at the Burgesses restaurant thinking about you! Now, I can’t have a moment in peace away from you! You come here and insist you’ll do the shopping and then take some extra money as a way to “pay you back” for helping. Taking it when we buy sugar, paper, glass, whatever, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WORKED TO EARN THAT MONEY?! Then you give me some fancy clothes and furniture as a way to make it up to me, like that’ll make me forgive you for taking up my money and space. I can’t even have privacy in my own house because you barge into my room and search through my stuff because you think finding some gifts I secretly got from France justifies you continuing to survey my every action.

 I really can’t stand anything you give me anymore, I’m making my own dresses and throwing out the ones you give me. I can’t even look at tea anymore despite the many moments we shared a cup together, it reminds me of you too much. I can’t stand looking at the box you gave me anymore so I threw it out. I’m so glad I could get things delivered to the house after you broke my car because of that.

I’ll admit, a part of me still remembers when you helped me back when I was still figuring out how to live and how you protected me from other people. I’ll also admit that I’m a bit scared of your friends, a part of me wants to ignore the signs and just continue on being loyal to you but I don’t know if I can allow myself to just be your lover and never my own person.

Your ex,

U. S. America

[nitewrighter]

i hate that I'm starting to get those ppl who say shit like "i know it's problematic but I can't not interact w it cuz it's my hyperfixation"

I've been in this overwatch shit since the game launched and stayed even when the fandom was dead like in 2021, and i just feel like I can't leave now even tho everything abt it makes me either sad or angry

Well like, I think it's always been kind of complicated with Overwatch because when it first dropped, everyone was crowing about its representation and its optimism, but at the beginning, so much of it was fan hype. It's never really belonged to just one person like H*rry P*tter. It started out as a completely different game, Titan, passed through god-knows-how-many hands before it dropped in 2016 and became this massive phenomenon. The first big Blizzard scandal was centered on Hearthstone, not Overwatch, and when the sexual harassment and union-busting scandals started emerging, it was clear there were still people at Blizzard who cared about Overwatch and their work on the game and the community it created, they just wanted better working conditions and workplace culture. Overwatch was never the product of one singular asshole, it's always been collaborative, and that's also why I've spent the past few days really questioning my relationship to it--because I poured a lot of myself into this community through my fanfics, and I had gained this wonderful audience from it, but the negative keeps stacking and stacking, and even if you've carved out your comfortable little niche, eventually it weighs on you more and more.

On top of it all, the game was very much designed to be addictive. The sensory overload of the game itself, the euphoria of working with a cohesive team, the exasperation of being on a shit team, the leveling systems, the sounds the game makes as you get a loot box or progress through the battlepass, the challenges and achievements, the cosmetics, the sunk cost fallacy of how much time you've already put in, the way it can be 1 in the morning but you're like "oh that last game sucked, I can't end the night on that note" like--I know it sounds ridiculous but it is a game that really worms its way into your psyche in the same way gambling can.

I think like... the first step to getting some distance from it is giving yourself permission to explore other things. One of the first steps to breaking a habit Like, for me, because I had such a narrative focus on it, I kind of joked that getting into Dune and reading 'Fire and Blood' after months of writing Overwatch fic was like doing lines of coke because my brain was going, "Holy shit, lore." I'm also lucky enough to work in a library, where my magpie brain can go into overdrive. I've been reading a lot of comics, working my way down a reading list I had been neglecting too long, and when I get an urge to play video games specifically, I play a different game like Horizon Zero Dawn or Skyrim. I found that open-world games have kind of helped my brain wean a bit off of they hyper-overstimulation of Overwatch, and it also scratches my narrative itch, too.

Basically what I'm saying is, if everything about the game is making you sad or angry, it's okay to explore other things. Don't make it about quitting, per se, make it about finding something new that makes you happier. And if you're just getting sad/stressed from it, I promise you, you are going to find something new. It might not scratch all the itches Overwatch did at first, but just be patient with yourself.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Is there such thing as emotional grooming? Can someone with extremely bad mental health unintentionally "groom" a young teen into doing emotional labor for them?

(Context of the question below. CW for toxic friendship conduct and mentions of suicidal ideation, self-harm, and CSA)

I've been studying with a guy since I was 13/14, and he, 16. One day, he had a flashback, and I tried to help him through it, to be the support I never got. After that, though, he made me his personal therapist. All of our interactions would be about him, about how he wanted to kill himself, hurt himself, how he hated living, and was a burden to his family. He described to me the sexual abuse he went through, the porn addiction he had in childhood, his gruesome suicide plans and everything bad that had ever happened to him, all with no regard to if that would affect me. I feel it was my fault, though, because I encouraged him, happy that he trusted me enough to tell me his worst traumas. And I couldn't possibly leave! I'm the only one he could count on, the only thing keeping him alive. So it didn't matter where I was, how I was, and who I was with, every second of my time was an invitation for him to come foward dump his problems on me. It made me relive the worst moments of my life and resurfaced symptoms I spent years getting treated for.

At one point, I tried to tell him I needed a break, and he agreed. A few days later, he just started messaging me that he would try to kill himself if things didn't get better for him soon because he felt like things were only getting worse.

And now, almost two years later, he's finally... fine. Better. He started medication, talked to his family, fixed things. And now I have to see him laugh and go by his day happily and pretend that I don't carry the weight he put on me. Hell, he doesn't even know I'm still hurting, or that I ever hurt because of him at all! I was the only fool who gave himself away. He's thankful to me, but I just wish he would stop trying to be friends, like I wasn't just a tool for him to use just months ago. And I feel like I'm lying to myself in order to make it look worse than it was, projecting past abusers onto him, making him a bad person (which I don't think he is, I understand that depression can do that to a guy).

What is even worse is that now we're in a sexual relationship (I'm 15, he's 17). I wanted that for so long, but now, I can't even know he's in the same room as me without wanting to run away and hide. I don't even remember why I thought it was a good idea, but I regret it immensely. And now it feels like a responsibility, and I would feel like an asshole in just suddenly wanting to go back in what I started.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do. I know the answer seems obvious: "just don't have sex with him anymore", and yet, I feel like there's no way out of this, that there's nothing wrong with what he did and is doing, that yes, he hurt me, but I can't blame him because I never told him how I felt.

Thank you for getting through this, and please take your time to deal with this ask. Don't burn yourself out, alright? Ily.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. It sounds like this person traumadumped on you and you were made to feel emotionally responsible for this person's wellbeing and safety, which is an unrealistic and unhealthy amount of pressure on you. Please know that anything this person does to himself is not your fault or responsibility, even if you decided to take some distance. This kind of experience can also lead to vicarious trauma, which is a result of being exposed to someone else's trauma.

It's understandable you feel pressure to continue the relationship. However, sexual relationships between minors is not really a good idea since minors cannot consent, and depending on where you live, a sexual relationship between minors may not be legal. Also considering the traumatizing dynamic that has happened between you in the past, it may not be a healthy basis for a relationship, sexual or not. But perhaps there could be a useful discussion about past behavior, boundaries, and needs. It's ultimately up to you how'd you like to continue this relationship.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences, navigate your relationship with this person, and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you on your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun